I would love all of that, but I don't want it connecting back to the cloud. And understanding some of the inherent necessities these things have with the cloud, I understand I am not the target market.

Which is a shame. If there's another HA device out there that in convenient form factor that communicates with my LAN and gives me greater granular control over what it talks to, I'd be buying three right now.

That's a hint to anyone who may be working on a product, or know of a product that fits the niche of the perpetually paranoid :P