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Comment by whitepoplar | Hacker News Reader

I think we're lonely because we have too many choices. When I can go to any meetup, any concert, any social function, any whatever, it makes me less likely to make friends, not more.

Looking at my own experience, I didn't even particularly like my friends when I first met them. Several of them seemed outright repulsive. It took several months of being in the same "sticky" social situation to bond--long periods of time in the same school, sport, club, neighborhood, etc. If I had the opportunity to transplant myself into another social situation after the first day/week, I'd never have made any of those friendships.

How can we keep the same group of people stuck together for a sufficient amount of time? I think that's the secret for creating friendships and curing loneliness.

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It really is ALL about getting stuck together with people. Friendship is more about familiarity and mutual understanding than similar tastes or whatever initial compatibility people over value. Anecdotally some of my most meaningful friendships are people I legitimately hated but were forced to learn how to get along with.

> Friendship is more about familiarity and mutual understanding than similar tastes or whatever initial compatibility people over value.

This is exactly how Data interprets friendship. I'm not sure what my point is other than I've been hooked on Star Trek TNG recently. I can't get enough ever since I realized it isn't a show about space and aliens -- it's a show in which the entire premise seems to be simply a story of fascinating interrelationships that form when a diverse team faces unique problems. I LOVE IT.

I don't necessarily agree. I Think that does happen, in fact thats more or less how I met my best friend. But I think coincidence plays a far deeper role. I've made some great friends online just by happening to be playing in the same match and accepting an invitation to a group for no reason. I remember how I joined my six man destiny clan - three years ago I was playing in the iron banner and just so happened to party up. We then played all weekend and for the next three years. Same thing happened when I joined a group that messaged me because my gamertag was coincidentally related to their group name.

I agree.

I think you have to force yourself to commit to something. Sign up for a meetup and get that perfect attendance. Go a minimum, say 10 times, before giving it up. We're too interested in instant gratification but connections take time.

This is so true. And we're inundated with images and stories of "better" people who we'd rather be friends with thanks to social media and celebrity idolitry which makes us not want to settle for the healthier, more realistic options we have for friendships. Also "better" isn't actually better, it's only the appearance of better from highly curated public perceptions.

Yes, exactly. I vividly remember the first day I met my cabin mates at summer camp when I was younger. I thought I'd won the reverse lottery--the lamest group of people I'd ever encountered in my entire life. Still friends with some of them nearly two decades later. :)

Allegedly this is how the draft used to work in Sweden.

A little late to the game, but the NYT-accepted wisdom among other things is "repeated, unplanned interactions". That's how most strong friendships work.

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-...

in that direction: there was recently a study showing how many hours people needed to spend together to create friendships

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