This would be horrifying. Maybe it could work in some fields, but not in mine (neuroscience). What, I'm going to use Java v.<whatever> on Ubuntu v.<whatever> because a funding agency tells me I have to?

I agree with much of your post, but not this bit.

edit: I think much of the professional insecurity of my field -- which feeds into the stuff you're complaining about -- is driven by the fact that way more grad student positions are funded than there are academic jobs. I wrote about this in more detail here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=470181