> I realize our patent system is totally fucked up, but hopefully not so fucked up that things like "user authentication" can be patented.

You kidding? You have no idea how many user authentication patent battles have been fought.

Have a look at patents for rodent traps. Over 4000 and counting IIRC. Get inspired.

Or not. I'm no fan of software patents.

Amazon patented 1 click checkout.