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Comment by k__ | Hacker News Reader

I'm living non-monogamous and in the poly community we often talk about a similar phenomenon called "Relationship Escalator", which is less general than the "Hedonic Treadmill".

The idea is that most people see a relationship as an escalator where you move up somehow automatically. First you date, than you're going steady, then you move in together, marriage, kids etc. pp.

The hedonic treadmill is considered one of the reasons for this behavior. Many people are most happy at the beginning of a relationship, when they get less happy they try to do something to get back to the starting level.

Points here are:

1. The space of new things you can do with your relationships isn't one dimensional, you don't have to move in one direction to get happier.

2. Maybe you're just running in the hedonic treadmill and don't realize it, so take some time to evaluate your life before you do things that are hard to impossible to revert.

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No offense, but aren't you guys the ones who keep on the hedonic treadmill by constantly changing partners and are never actually satisfied?

The ones actually chasing after that new relationship energy/dopamine rush?

Isn't it backwards to spin the normal progression of a romantic relationship as hedonic?

Are the people into poly some kind of saints/ascets and the people on the "relationship escalator" the hedonits? (this is not meant to be a straw man)

Perspective. There's no necessity to constantly change partners.

The point was that people adapt and keep wanting more.

I'm a stoic (largely by nature) and have enjoyed polyamory. Dated a hedonist.

Just because you have multiple partners doesn't mean that you have to be "constantly changing partners".

You are totally right, there are many people who run after the "new relationship energy" as other people are ascending the "relationship escalator". I just wanted to point out that there isn't one right way to happiness in relationships :)

I think hedonism is a valid personal choice(if it's a culture-wide beneficial choice -- that's debatable), there's no need to paint other choices black(not saying you were doing directly).

Experiencing in myself and other what you call the "relationship escalator" -- I can assure you it's not driven by hedonism, it's just a functional necessity, at least in the vast majority of cases and history(sure there can be people doing it to brag on social media).

To me it seems that the term "relationship escalator" is pejorative and that you were conflating it with the "hedonic treadmill" and somehow contrasting it with polyamory.

The "hedonic treadmill" effect as described in the wikipedia should apply just as much to monogamy and polyamory or celibacy -- after all, it suggests you will revert to mean happyness after a while.

I have the impression that is just what I said.

I didn't mean to talk monogamy down, I just said I heard about the concept of a relationship escalator in my poly community and it reminded me of the hedonic treadmill.

Doesn't mean that I don't met polys that had the hedonic treadmill problem.

The fact that you call it an escalator means you acknowledge that these relationships are headed upwards in a positive direction, even if they're sticking to the status quo.

A hedonic treadmill would be something like a couple feeling bored in their relationship, and opening the relationship up out the fear of missing out. They feel the spark of chasing something new and feeling desired and chased, but the new partners don't build anything deeper than what existed with the original partner. Thus the couple is no better off than before, hence time spent walking in place.

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