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Comment by EliRivers | Hacker News Reader

how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed?

In effect, you ask them. However, this is not done in the literalist HN style - that is, you do not say "Hi, may I please hit on you?" or any other such set of words.

Nonetheless, one asks, and some will say yes, and some will say no; some will know they're answering, some won't even notice, and sometimes the asker doesn't even notice that they're asking.

To a number of people, this sounds crazy. As crazy as the idea that some authors cannot be read literally to get the meaning of their words. There are languages encoded within language and this is one such. If one happens not to speak this language, I guess it's dating apps or nothing :/

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The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip.

There is so many aspects to this, it's impossible to reasonably discuss it on an online forum. My perspective is living in a major western city that has a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture. Women I know complain about it all the time. A woman living in an area without this culture may wish more men would hit on her.

wendyshu has already answered this elsewhere, but the problem is in asking poorly, without subtlety, and without gauging the other participant along the way. Rather, provide a slowly escalating ramp that they can willing choose to participate in building up towards the two of you engaging in what you are thinking of as traditional flirtation, or just as easily without social or personal cost choose to never get on in the first place. It also helps to genuinely believe that any interaction you would choose to have with her would be positive for the both of you.

Spoilers: Despite what the person hitting on someone at the grocery may think, they aren't being remotely subtle about it.

> a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture.

Do you mind sharing more? I thought middle Eastern cultures were generally more traditional and conservative about dating and the like, so this sounds unusual.

Maybe in the Middle East but not here. I'd say it's similar to how African American men are portrayed as being forward, i.e. hollering at women and being forward about hitting on women. It could even be related to socioeconomic status as a lot of the men I'm describing would be in lower socioeconomic brackets.

>The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip.

So what?

Do people really rule out meeting a partner and having a family because of a fear of maybe inconveniencing someone?

How did you take "rule out meeting a partner and having a family" from what I said? Dating in 2019 is really easy when I have free time I can line up multiple dates per week without having to resort to harassing every attractive woman I pass at the grocery store.

It’s not out of “fear of maybe inconveniencing someone”, it’s out of a sense of common courtesy.

There are plenty of social events that are appropriate for this sort of interaction. Running errands or just trying to go about your day is not one of those IMO, and if dozens of people accosted you per day you’d probably feel the same way.

it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip

Well that sounds too heavy and aggressive. If a lady is actually stopped by strangers while out, I'm not surprised she's sick of it.

There is so many aspects to this, it's impossible to reasonably discuss it on an online forum.

That is very true. This particular aspect of human interaction and communication, relying so much as it does on things other than the pure literal interpretation of words, is perhaps uniquely unsuitable for discussion on a text only forum where the words are all we have, and doubly so here on HN where the preponderance of people who joyfully embrace literal interpretation is so high!

> Well that sounds too heavy and aggressive. If a lady is actually stopped by strangers while out, I'm not surprised she's sick of it.

But that is the whole point, if a person gets greeted a lot by strangers when they are out it gets annoying quick. So it is common courtesy to not greet strangers in typical every-day errand places like grocery stores. It might be different where you live, but that is how it works where I live.

You don’t ask. You flirt with your eyes.

If that goes well, ask.

All single men reading this, learn to flirt. Give them a look. Ask with your eyes first.

If they look back, smile, introduce yourself.

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