> Recursion is the worst way to do iteration because it requires cleverness
No, it doesn't; in fact, recursion is usually much easier to reason about, particularly in terms of termination.
> and it's ridiculously easy to cause a stack overflow.
It's ridiculously easy not to, just assure your recursive calls are in tail position and you are using a language that supports tail call optimization (which essentially every dedicated FP language and a number of others do.)
> Closures are basically global variables
No, they aren't even similar.
> Continuations are basically goto's
Not really. They are similar in that they are a more powerful (and, therefore, dangerous if used incorrectly) flow control concept than simple function calls, but they aren't equivalent to gotos.
> Functional programming is ALL of the bad programming practices of the '80s.
No, that's unstructured imperative programming (though some structured languages preserved some of them.)