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Comment by chongli | Hacker News Reader

As a math student considering a teaching career, I recently took a course on math education taught by a retired high school math teacher. One of the things she placed a heavy emphasis on was our questioning techniques and classroom management strategies.

Every single one of the non-violent communication strategies you listed from the article were specifically singled out as things we should never say when asking questions to students. It was actually difficult to get out of the habit, since most of us in the class were used to couching our phrases that way.

By the end of the term, we had all gotten much better at speaking in a direct and pointed fashion, and our teaching abilities showed considerable improvement.

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NVC shouldn’t be practiced in uneven relationships (teacher - student, parent - child, employer - employee, customer - server) for the exact reason mentioned by GP. It’s simultaneously condescending and confusing to the party with less power, inviting them to test what leverage they can gain - usually none.

The article acknowledges this point, albeit somewhat indirectly:

>We think it's important to note that NVC should only be used in situations where people have each other's best interests at heart

That caveat makes it vey hard to find situations where NVC is valid, as it relies on the motivation of both parties. It’s not enough for the speaker to have the listener’s best interest at heart (as is presumably the case with a teacher speaking to a student); the attitude must be reciprocated as well.

This is the sort of escape clause that enables No True Scotsman-like defenses of the methodology: “You did everything by the book and didn’t get your desired result. It must be because he doesn’t actually care about you.”

NVC is for finding mutual purpose. A classroom setting, the goal is to encourage students to push themselves. Their is no mutual purpose. Their goal of staying silent and doing as little as possible directly opposes your goal of wanting them to learn and push themselves. This is why I like the book crucial conversations. Step 1 is: identifying a crucial conversation. And you only apply the techniques in those situations. They are only intended for those types of situations, not everything. A crucial conversation is a conversation where 1. Stakes are high 2. Emotions run strong 3. Opinions vary

All three have to be true for these techniques to be useful.

Uh-oh, I think I might be doing this (as a college lecturer). Do you have some references, or some examples of how this might arise in a classroom?

This course was geared toward teaching high school. In college you have a totally different dynamic. You're not responsible for your students and you have no authority over them besides grading. People in college otherwise tend to be very respectful of their lecturers, however, since they are paying tuition to attend class and so they're invested in their education. It's rare to see anyone screw around like a high school student.

As for references, I don't really. Everything in that course was on paper handouts made specifically for us by our instructor (we had a class of 5 people). Essentially, what you want to do is ask a question directly, without couching it in any NVC-style language. Don't say "Would you like to...?" or "Does anyone know...?" Those sorts of queries open you up to a sarcastic response, though as I said I wouldn't expect that tone from college students.

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