Dang it. I noticed that my user agent was one of the biggest identifiers for me (1 in 200 users), and I realized it was because I was still on Chrome 76 while most users were on Chrome 77. So, I finally restarted my browser to allow the update to happen.
Well, apparently I leap-frogged to Chrome 78, which even fewer people are on. Now my user agent is shared by just 1 in 1400 users, and my fingerprint went from nearly-unique to unique. Go figure. :P