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Comment by gampleman | Hacker News Reader

My wife was* one of those rare people who just went ahead and asked people whatever was on her mind. This had a curious effect as I often internally winced and thought "you did not just say that". Sometimes I had the impulse to apologize for her or put in a joke to soften the blow. However, curiously, generally people didn't seem to mind or sometimes registered very mild embarrassment. In very rare cases they just avoided answering the question and she wouldn't press them.

But the great thing about it was that one could have really interesting deep conversations with near strangers, because one would skip over all the smalltalk and immediately discuss something everyone cared deeply about. In comparison I would have shyly still been discussing the weather whereas she would be already talking theology.

* She does it less now. Perhaps my bad influence or having kids?

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That’s a great story and I’m like your wife in that aspect, but just intentionally. Either way you’re lucky to have someone like that around, it can teach you a lot.

I’ve experienced very deep, fulfilling connections with strangers (friend of a friend level) and still haven’t found anyone being embarrassed by these questions, but of course nobody else needs to be around as it can quickly be embarrassing. It can also be softened with an honest “if you don’t want to answer I can totally understand” and move on with something else but almost always received a somewhat interesting response. In return, deep/very personal questions are sent my way and I’ve answered them all with the best of my knowledge.

I can see how many people are afraid of having real talk (specially introverts, as I was) because it can show your weaknesses, suffering and your potentially “wrong” ideas/thoughts. Truth is, everybody has their fair share of bs going on and being over polite and wasting time in meaningless small talk doesn’t IMHO benefit anybody, and you miss very interesting mindsets and experiences that can make your life much better.

I honestly don't know what a "deep" question sounds like. Is there a list of topics that fall into that category somewhere?

There may be a generic list somewhere but I find them to come naturally from curiosity. Things like:

- Do you like what you do?

- Do you regret this or that?

- Did you study what you always wanted?

- How believing in X helped you?

- What’s the worst memory/event you went through?

- Do you love your parents?

- What’s the best/worst your kids gave to you (emotionally speaking)?

- Do you think you need this or is it a distraction from the important stuff (whatever that is for you)?

Those questions I just came up for nobody in particular (for a close friend those would be pretty normal) and depending of your background, customs, etc they might be deep or might not. They’re not inquisitive and I’m definitely not judging or trying to convince about anything. They do make you think a bit before answering and you learn a lot from those, even from the most superficial people. You need to be very open and accept very harsh and contrary visions from your own in order to benefit from it though, and that’s a long process.

  - Are you happy?

is a good one.

IME a deep conversation's subject actually depends wholly on the individual participants of the conversation. It generally is about a shared topic that is part of the self-identification of at least one party (with a non-identifying party being willing to listen to the identifying party in a manner that the identifying party understands to be respectful).

For example, between an athiest and a thiest, a deep theological question goes into the thiest's religion with the athiest being at minimum willing to listen in a manner the thiest sees as both participatory (not empty 'uh-huh' responses) and also respectful (no blanket denials or insults). Between two thiests, a deep theological question would go into the nature of their spiritualities, comparing and contrasting, or some specific nuance of a shared thiestic belief.

A non-religious deep question can also be positioned on, say, the influence of a specific popular activity. This leads to, for example, heavy and deep debate on the nuances of tennis between two tennis players, or a similarly intimate discussion in which people who suffer from addiction can feel benefit from discussions with other addicts.

"What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"

Any question more likely than not to possibly cause some stir or anxiety usually gets listed in my head as not appropriate for shallow conversations. Religion, politics, questions in depth about personal history, metaphysics, philosophy, etc.

Of course, having deep conversations is super rewarding and it can really help you learn a lot about other people and build relationships beyond just inane topics like tv or the weather.

I'm often not brave enough myself but I appreciate when someone does this. I immediately feel more recognized and these conversations feel more genuine.

Conversations about stuff people actually care about are much easier to keep interesting, whereas making small-talk interesting is a skill in itself (which I don't have).

It should come with a package of open mindedness and preferably humor too to create a comfortable atmosphere.

If the questions are awkward, it helps if the person lacks guile.

If the asker is a jerk, it just makes things hard on everyone.

On the other hand, sometimes a jerk will ask the hard pointed questions when the shit hits the fan.

thanks for sharing ! i feel less of an outlier, i behave a lot like your wife. It doesn't go over well in my experience (in the US & India). But i have formed some beautiful friendships thanks to "radical empathy & questioning" and am just wired to be curious about people and their lives !

It depends on a lot of factors. Unless you extremely lack social skills or are new to a language or culture, a conversation is a continual data gathering, feedback loop for both parties.

Here are some examples:

1. How close are you with this person? An issue of trust.

2. What is the context? Friends, coworker, interview, etc.

3. What is the goal? Friendship, small-talk, debate, etc.

4. Who is the audience? student, foreigner, church, etc.

I suspect your wife asks these questions to the religious ("theology"), which is a subset (bias). It is risky to ask controversial issues today to people not with your value system, so I also suspect she became more sensitive after trial and error. The best way is to ask her directly.

Please confirm/refute my hypotheses.

> I suspect your wife asks these questions to the religious ("theology"), which is a subset (bias).

How did you reach the conclusion she is primarily talking to religious people? That's such a leap I can't even hypothesize your deduction.

It is not a "conclusion", it is a "hypothesis" if you will, which I ask for confirmation from the author of this comment.

My hypothesis stems from his insight comment on "theology":

"In comparison I would have shyly still been discussing the weather whereas she would be already talking theology."

Because it is a deep subject not commonly conversed with the general public, but specifically known inside churches... unless you are giving a speech to a general audience (which this is not the case)

*Btw, apologies if I may have sounded rude, I did not intend to offend, just investigate.

That's a smart insight, now I wanna know too...

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