Some people like their orderly walled gardens, some don’t like them. You may not like the iPhone but I don’t see why you want to deny that to others? Surely they can decide for themselves.
This has already been abused with simple things like location and microphone, with people giving apps access to everything.
I think the current solution is sub optimal, but I like having the security on my iPhone to download anything and be fairly confident it won't send all my details to some credit acrd number collecting hacker.
This is no different from you writing a pornhub app on your own iOS device using your own developer account and Apple reaching in and saying “nuh uh, not on our, I mean your device”...
Your snark is unwarranted though.