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Comment by cory1four | Hacker News Reader

I was a victim of school bullying and it haunts me in my adulthood. I cannot shake of the feeling of helplessness and seething anger. I have become a person who lashes out at my workplace and home when things become unbearable.

Is there a way to deal with this?

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Because therapy isn't in reach of everyone, my method of handling this scenario was this:

My challenge was that I was disconnected from the consequences of lashing out. I had to create a strong sense of empathy with those I was lashing out at. I did this by visualizing being on the receiving end (lots of exp to draw on) of my own mistreatment.

I did this for an hour or so most nights (usually with the bath running so no one could hear the sobbing). It took well over a year for a better state to settle in.

I too got bullied in school. In high school I started practicing martial arts and also got on the hs wrestling team. What helped for me was that I gained confidence that if I was in another situation, I would be able to handle it. Another benefit being the physical training and the benefit to my appearance. As I became more fit, people were less apt to try bullying me.

Also, I came from a generation where most parents believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child". So, I learned from an early age that it was ok for adults to beat the tar out of you - and you weren't supposed to fight back.

I also suffered from the anxiety, and probably some ptsd. But through martial arts I got it under control and as I said, the confidence of knowing that I'd be able to fight back or defend myself goes a long way.

Without knowing more, and without really broaching the therapy angle, have you considered tackling it from a long-term axis view?

Learn no-gi jiu jitsu and tame that fear down; there’s some research that both journaling and (less so) efficacy can have physiological effects such as reductions in blood pressure, lowering of skin temp/sweat/conductivity and improvements in immune resistance.

Obviously getting the lowest jiu jitsu belt will take you one to two years so not ideal...but....maybe on top of counseling it is positive ROI based on how severe your symptoms are.

Everyone else said therapy, i'm going to recommend a specific therapy.

If you can find a therapist offering Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-behavior-ther...

Or just even if you yourself looked into it and started practicing the techniques.

Honestly, I feel like it's something anyone and everyone can benefit from, but especially people looking to change a pattern of behaviour they're unhappy with.

no joke, but have you been to therapy? What you need is to come to grips with the fact that you were bullied, the why, the what, what made you a target, that you realize it wasn't something of your fault but the bullies own insecurities. The anger and lashing out is really a deep hurt you need to address.

The pandemic has caused every therapist in my immediate area to be overloaded. Someone I know said she was lucky to be able to get a single appointment with a waiting time of a month. Six of them did not return my emails outright, and when I finally managed to schedule something, I had to wait a quarter of a year just to be able to have the intake appointment. Everyone keeps saying that therapy becomes the most valuable once you've established a relationship with the therapist, so I am not seeing how this will help. But I'm not sure what anyone can do. Nobody could have prevented this, there are only so many therapists in my area, and there are only so many people they can consult with at a time.

At the point that therapy becomes far less effective because too many people want it, what is left to do? Say "tough luck, but you have to be patient?" In the three months I've ended up waiting in between I feel like I've been spiraling or trapped in a shell with nobody that will listen to my problems. The friends I usually rely on have long since gotten tired of listening to me, because it isn't their job to do so, and I feel as if our relationships will not be the same going forward because I could not get help elsewhere fast enough.

I may have other problems managing my executive function, or false convictions that I do, and either way my attention is constantly taken away by trivial things. I couldn't even focus on the MOOC homework I was taking even though I felt terrible for putting it off. But in order to even try and see if stimulants will help, I have to get an appointment - and I still have another month to wait for it.

Our pleas for help are being swallowed up, and there seems to be no real recourse.

Therapy doesn't have to come from a professional therapist... There are professional therapists that can practice therapy. There are alternative therapists that can practice therapy. There are solo actions one can do that can practice therapy. You need to broaden your definition of therapy to include things that bring you joy and happiness. Some folks have found a mushroom walk with friends to be extremely therapeutic. Others, going on an eat-pray-love style backpacking trip to reconnect with self. In your case, you have some trauma, like I did. Find someone with an enormous amount of empathy and open up to them like Barbara Walters.

Sucks what you went through, mate. The best revenge is living well - you have to let it go.

I would also echo what some of the other people have said about strength training or a martial art. You might get some peace from knowing that you can't change the past, but what happened to you won't recur. You'd be surprised at the number of bodybuilder, powerlifters, martial artists etc that talk about starting their sport after being bullied.

In my case, the empowerment I got from martial arts rested along side of helplessness, rather than ease it. I do grant that shifting between empowerment and helplessness is better than just feeling helpless.

Remember that the other product of abuse is broken judgment.

On a side note there were always guys in my martial arts classes who were there to learn the skills that would help them bully more effectively.

It's not impossible that you get bullies in a martial arts class, but unless they're the instructor there is normally someone better than them that will spot it and put a stop to it (in my experience anyway).

Conscientious instructors certainly stop in-class mistreatment of other students. However instructors don't know the full measure of a student's heart; nor do they hear most chatter among students.

In my experience, it's not at all uncommon for bullies to use martial arts classes to prepare them for positions of authority - particularly law enforcement.

To be clear, this doesn't throw the least bit of shade on martial arts nor does it implicate instructors in any way. It's just an unfortunate reality.

Also, I really believe the better opportunities to address bullies are before and after this point.

A bunch of us meet on Twitter at #PTSDChat, every Wed at 9 EST. We discuss stuff exactly like this, occasionally with behavior professionals.

As others have suggested finding a good therapist is a great first step. Specifically when it comes to early childhood trauma it might help to find a therapist trained in EMDR which is a technique that focuses on helping you overcome this behavior that feels natural.

Something to note: you may not get along with your first therapist, it's honestly very similar to any personal relationship you have, if that's the case, it's totally fine to let them know it's not working out and find someone else. BUT: don't make that decision after your first meeting, especially if you've never tried therapy before you're gonna find it weird and off putting, if you can power through that and you still find you're not gelling with the therapist that's when it's ok to pull the plug.

Many many years ago I was bullied at school (and almost killed). But I was fortunate to get help from a roommate at college: he helped me to learn karate. This changed me in many ways, including seeing my situation in an "objective way" instead of feeling offended.

Physical strength ? maybe it reduces the sense of helplessness, but these things are hard to erase when they 're encoded in early age.

(I think mass schooling has normalized bullying in people's lives for centuries)

Read Alice Miller+s books. Eg: The Drama of the Gifted Child The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting

I found talking to a therapist to be helpful.

Are you getting therapy?

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