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Comment by titanomachy | Hacker News Reader

I get what you're driving at, and I agree somewhat, but I think most of the men I know struggled at least at some point with understanding those rules. A lot of us can probably recall some embarrassing missteps in our teens/twenties while we figured these things out; I certainly can. Once you figure out the rules you might not be part of that group for much longer.

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No one is born knowing social norms, so yes I would agree that many if not most men, at some point, struggled. Myself included. But norms change over time and I find the prospect of a sea change like the author seems to suggest, that leaves most (hetero) men simultaneously and suddenly lost, unlikely.

Taking it a step further, too often I've seen hand-wringing arguments that look awfully similar to this author's used as an excuse to minimize some of the worst behavior of men. It is, in fact, possible for the average man to understand things like boundaries and consent. I'm not saying that's what this author is doing, but it sound similar enough that it sets off my BS meter.

99% of the secret is treating women like human beings with agency, and communicating with them openly and sincerely, rather than seeing them as sexual ciphers to be cracked if only you can find the right set of inputs.

I think the first problem this runs into is: "If women are human beings just like me, then why aren't they as comfortable with the idea of casual sex as me and my male friends?" It may take a while for men at that stage to learn and accept that there is a significant difference in that between men and women (statistically), especially if they've been brought up to believe that men and women are essentially no different except in their body parts; and then to internalize social norms premised on that.

Most people (male and female) hate it when you communicate openly and sincerely with them. The art of white lies and carefully avoiding any issues that might burst their make believe reality distortion field is required to navigate successfully in most social environments. Or you can do what I do: as much as possible, only spend time with people who’s reality distortion field is (almost) not there, and minimise your time spent on anybody else.

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