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Comment by harshreality | Hacker News Reader

The weakness of non-violent communication is that it's easy to over-use or use in an inappropriate context, so that you no longer seem genuine. Even if the other person doesn't know about NVC, it becomes painfully obvious that you're doing something different and not communicating normally.

Essentially, you can end up sounding like an inexperienced psychologist or an eliza bot. The uncanny valley of communication. Reactions to that uncanny valley can be severely negative, even worse than the problem you were using NVC to try to solve.

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> over-use or use in an inappropriate context, so that you no longer seem genuine. Even if the other person doesn't know about NVC, it becomes painfully obvious that you're doing something different and not communicating normally.

I use 2 categories to break down people who talk about NVC - those who think the words matter, and those who don't.

It is impossible to tell if someone is practising NVC by listening to the specific words. NVC is about reactions and interpretations. Specific word formulas are tools for beginners and so anyone using them is probably not great at NVC. That gives NVC an undeserved bad name; it really is the most sensible way to communicate. There isn't such a thing as 'overusing' NVC, it is for full time use.

> it really is the most sensible way to communicate.

The way you’re talking matches the GP’s warning, and I’m not sure if the irony is intentional.

I'll admit, you have stumped me. Are you suggesting that thinking there is a best approach to an activity can only be interpreted as non-genuine?

How do you express a preference for doing something a specific way?

Yeah, I agree that it's easy to slip into a robot mode with the result that the person you're trying to talk to or connect with is feeling manipulated or tricked. It takes time and practice and honest connection. How I see it is that the core message should really be about open communication, and not a trick that you use to get feelings out of another person or make them do what you want. In the beginning I was quite unskillful and used the lines a lot as guidelines, but now I can sort of listen better and I don't really need them so much anymore. But talking about that you're trying to apply NVC or methods that help to connect with the other already opens up empathy usually.

Also some days I connect more, and sometimes I do less. Sometimes I trap myself that I'm not really wanting to talk just to be angry and make point but after some time I'm just like 'What the heck am I even doing' this is not gonna help at all. And then I switch to listen mode, and try to express my worries and try to find a connection.

It is practice but it made my life a lot better.

> so that you no longer seem genuine.

I've heard this criticism of NVC, and to me it doesn't make sense why this is blamed on the method and not the person. Manipulative people will use any tools to manipulate.

My sister is pretty well meaning but her use of NVC can be pretty annoying. It requires some social skill to recognize when NVC is appropriate and when not.

That is exactly my point.

The issue is that once the damage is done, it very quickly loses what impact it had as a tool. If a person has been in a corporate or even personal environment where NVC was abused, -any- use of it might cause someone to put their 'shields up'

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