Comment by hisnameisjimmy | Hacker News Reader

Comment by hisnameisjimmy | Hacker News Reader

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I totally get this thinking, but I am oriented totally differently from you. I will forget my friend's birthdays, their kids names, their wife's names, things they've talked about recently, etc, etc. I have a terrible memory for this stuff. I'm not sure if it's just me being stubborn, but all of these things just feel very slippery to my mind. On the other end, I will remember in vibrant detail very trivial facts that have no real function for me. Does that mean I care about trivial facts more than my friends? I hope not.

I think of it like this. I don't pay attention to lyrics in most music, I pay attention to the feel/tune. With friends, it's all about emotional connection, not my ability to recall facts. I honestly don't think one or the other is better or worse, it's just different. People show care differently.

For me, who has trouble with things that people often associate with caring (like yourself maybe), this acts as a crutch to help me show caring in a way that other people recognize but that isn't natural to me. I would actually argue that me investing into a program like this actually shows just how much I care that I want to make up for my natural capability with a pretty involved program.

Another side benefit, it's also really nice for acquaintances that you really want to keep up with, but because of irregular correspondence they are very easy to slip from memory.

You won't forget the names when it matters.

If you can't remember these basic details, it's a sign that person is not close enough to you for it to actually matter.

Or, maybe you're like me and you just met the person five minutes ago. Either case is forgivable.

I'm afraid your experience is not universal. There are plenty of people I care very deeply about, yet Facebook reminding me of their birthdays is a godsend. Children I do somewhat better with, but names are always a struggle for me. A friend had triplets a couple months into the pandemic, and I'm still struggling there. Meanwhile a the drop of a hat I can bring to mind some technical detail that I heard once a decade ago and never used.

People's minds work differently, just because something comes easily to you does not mean it does to everyone else.

Maybe, I just feel like it shouldn't matter for anyone if you remember their kids names, unless it's your brothers or sisters kids or your own kids. Not remembering a cousins kids names in my family would be a minor faux pas, but I have like... dozens of cousins in two continents, so it's not a big deal. Not remembering a friends kids name should never be an issue IMO. Even much less so with birthdays.

But we're all entitled to our own opinions. I suppose I am just way more easy-going than some of the people here.

You won't forget directions when it matters.

If you can't remember how to get to a certain place without a navigation app, it's a sign that that place is not close enough to you for it to actaully matter.

I really do not understand people who cannot do without navigation to get home when they visited a friend for the first time.

What? I'm not sure how that has anything to do with remembering a friend's kids names or remembering people's birthdays.

I drive with nav on if I'm going somewhere unfamiliar, but only bc I live in a kind of large city and I'd like to know if there are any traffic problems or construction on one of the streets I'm taking.

If you can't see someone, you obviously don't care about them. (Glasses are a conspiracy?) And if you can't hear your friends, you must hate them.

I can never remember my age, and have missed my birthday on occasion. When under pressure, I forget which of my children is the older, and confuse their names.

In other news, I speak with a heavy accent, and am embarrassed by it all the time. I have tried learning to speak natively, without luck.

This, despite my having an above average IQ.

Everyone is somewhere on the bell curve in all of our capabilities. Cut some slack for others where they lack, and appreciate the talents you have.

I'm not sure what point the first paragraph in your response is trying to make, but all I was trying to say is it's OK to not remember details like this. Especially when it's someone else's kids, someone else's birthday - exterior to your own family.

Don't fret forgetting things. My dad has mixed up my name and my brothers names constantly since probably before I was born 31 years ago :). He's an older man now, almost 70, but I don't think his name mix-ups began because of any age-related mental decline.

I can still remember the name of the woman in the porn mag I found from my dads cupboard 30 years ago. Haven't seen that magazine in 29 years.

I keep forgetting the names of my friends wives and children. I talk to them weekly.

The only birthdays I remember are mine, my wife's and my kids. I kinda remember the season my other family members birthdays, maybe the month if I really strain. Couldn't tell the actual date even if you waterboarded me.

I'm the exact same way. And that should be fine. I don't have kids but I have three brothers who all have kids. I know their first names, and most of their middle names. I don't know all their birthdays. That's fine. I recently asked so I could put their birthdays in my calendar.

But even my best friends, people I've known and lived with before, wouldn't expect me to remember details about their kids. That's just weird, man.

Not everyone has a good memory, even if they care a lot about people.

I once had a girlfriend I cared about tremendously. She was, and is, amazing. Her birthday, she told me, was the 7th of December. I didn't save it, because how could I forget? It's a day that will live in infamy! It's also don Vito Corleone's birthday!

It's proper infamous now: my forgetting it in no small part contributed to our breakup.

Some people just have bad memories.

I have a brain injury. I can’t remember my parent’s birthdays. I recently couldn’t recall my wife’s middle name. I love all those people and live with one of them. Needing or wanting a technology assist doesn’t map to one’s level of commitment to a relationship in my opinion.

Like any situation, there are outliers and unique situations. Is your memory only affected for things you learned before the accident or does it affect new things you learn too?

No some people have disabilities and stuff. People with Alzheimer's aren't simply suffering from not being close enough with their friends and family.

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