Out of curiosity, do you do much creative writing? I agree that the second version is clearer and more grammatically sensible, but the first version bends the normal usage of syntax to evoke emotion, although a word here or there could be adjusted.

Here's an example of a similar update; would you say you like the second version more?

"Halting, stuttering, his words slurred, his eyes watery, his knees trembling, he thrust forth the knife, and with a cry the blow was struck-"

vs.

"His knees trembled, his eyes were watery, and spoke in a steady stream of unintelligible nonsense. With a cry, he thrust forth the knife, and the blow was struck."