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The cable analyzer is showing about 55db of loss across 2 meters. That's about equivalent to the loss across 4km of "good" copper.

I kid, the issue was solved some time ago - a telecom engineer pinned it down to a soggy junction box.

That’s funny because my SO’s parents have 1.5Mbps DSL by contract. For only $100/mo they can jump up to 12Mbps. USA and 1 hour from me where I have gigabit docsis 3.1.

If they had 1Mbps because of a fault that would be more unfortunate than unfair.

The awful state of US broadband. If you're not in the suburbs of a metropolitan area then broadband is (much more of) a crapshoot.

3.5mbit over 2 metres

Personally I prefer a bit of garlic powder, say 1tsp, sprinkled over my router before any large downloads.

Although last year when I bought Cyberpunk I found that a bit of curry powder sped up the ~70GB download quite nicely.

Your parents’ ADSL noodle soup is a little bland.