I'm dumb and ask stupid questions. My curiosity has only hurt me.
There there are ways to make questions sound less dumb, mostly involving that you made an effort at finding a solution. "Why is the sky blue?" sounds like a dumb question, "I saw that liquid oxygen is blue, is that why the sky is blue?" sounds much better (even though the assumption is completely wrong)
In fact, some of the feedback I have gotten throughout the years is that I have lots of potential, I'm smart (smarter than I really am), well spoken (for an IT guy), etc. It doesn't mean anything because they always seem to think that I should be driving every meeting or conversation. If there's another person in the meeting with more knowledge in that specific area and I agree with their direction, why would I take over? So their perception is that I'm smart, but that I lack some other quality. My perception is that I'm dumber than the other guy but just smart enough to know to defer to their expertise. It leaves me stuck and unsuccessful.
I'm stupid enough to ask certain questions... which I suppose makes them stupid questions. If we are a company notorious for value shopping, and the company says we're seeing deadlines or capacity slip due to not filling open positions, and is costing the company money, risk of tech debt not being addressed... it's stupid for someone like me to question that, but I do. If it were really costing the company money, then wouldn't we increase pay or not force people back to the office to increase headcount? There seems to be a contradiction here, and the people in power don't have an answer that makes sense (possibly because there are things they can't tell a peon me).
For your second part, it seems like the questions are you asking are not stupid in themselves. Rather they are uncomfortable and/or threatening to the audience. Like your question is driving at a real point which is that likely no one actually sat down and tried to rationalize (quantitatively or however) the cost and benefits of their course of action. The "stupid" part is poking at this sensitive topic in ways that don't give people a graceful way to interact with it. Most people do not want to admit that they're just autopiloting a decision that might have made sense as a quick heuristic based on assumptions (which are okay!) that have since provided to be wrong and have just been running with it ever since. Or that no, they've never actually sat down and quantified (ballpark) how much company the strategy is costing them, and that they're just making stuff up.
To back up to your original point, uncontrolled curiosity can definitely be harmful. You absolutely need to temper and control it, especially when interacting with human systems. That doesn't mean that curiosity is bad though. I do sympathize that the usual formulation of "there are no stupid questions here" is almost always misleading, and encodes a pile of unsaid assumptions.
"The "stupid" part is poking at this sensitive topic"
Exactly, but without bringing it up, that curiosity wouldn't be satisfied. They talk about being candid as a positive trait. It appears that isn't true - just typically corporate doublespeak.
You can drive a meeting while still deferring to experts by driving the meeting, and then bringing them in for their expertise when you know it is in their area - which you know when that is and who they are, because you would be an expert in knowing that.
You seem to be sitting back in the meeting and waiting for something to add, which… yeah doesn’t add much? That’s inherently passive.
And if they ask you to be candid, and then recoil when you are, that is potentially because you’re not wrapping up what you’re saying in a way they can process/handle - it could be overly abrasive, or verbose, or whatever.
The reason you may not be getting any actionable advice is they are giving you why they see as actionable advice. But you’re missing a connection here because you’re missing the EQ piece?
Yes, I can and do facilitate meetings. That's not a problem. They just want me to be loud and talkative in meetings that could have been emails, or at least with a much smaller group.
If you always feel you’re crazy, then it doesn’t fit.
I have never seen it be managements job to manipulate anyone anywhere. It is managements job to make the business work (manage it). In some places, the agreed upon way that management does this is by manipulating, lying, cheating, etc.
Those places are toxic.
It is also possible for people and workers to become toxic as a culture, and cause otherwise fine and well meaning behavior to be perceived as toxic and make a toxic workplace for everyone due to no/ineffective action from management.
I’ve never seen it be just one side for very long, unless both sides are feeding it it.
It builds a sick system, and like all systems, it has to be self reinforcing to continue to exist.
I’m not saying everyone is perfect - far from it. I’m saying that lack of trust and perceived negative intent from others (especially in positions of authority), lack of a feeling of agency in getting a different outcome or impacting current conditions are all, etc. are a dark place to be, and one that does not help oneself get better. If you’re not even considering finding somewhere else, that produces very very bad outcomes for everyone in the long run.
If you are not considering getting help in understanding or tackling the situation from your side, that also produces bad outcomes for you long term.
I ask questions that the company would rather I don't ask. I was in a meeting once that I disagreed with something that was being said. I knew enough to keep my mouth shut. Then the manager called on me to share my thoughts. So I gave him my opinion, which included a question to validate my theory. I was yelled at, in front of everyone during that meeting. I don't think I ever did get an answer to that question, even in private.
I have 10 years of experience and a master degree. I've worked as a senior developer and a tech lead for a year each. Because I question things and am not a 'yes' man, I'm a midlevel dev with no future.