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Comment by pjerem | Hacker News Reader

> if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them?

That’s my current main interrogation in life and honestly, I have not found the answer.

I feel alone, but I have a fair number of "old friends" I barely contact anymore. I want to keep in touch but don’t know what to say. And they don’t spontaneously contact me, neither do I. It’s a chicken and egg problem. Maybe people don’t care about me. But they could feel the same about me.

Am I strange or is everyone just bad at keeping in touch ?

The few times I did spontaneously contact old friends, it was pretty cool. We had some drink and updates, and enjoyed it. So I think it’s just we are all bad. But it’s exhausting.

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This.

I tend to move countries every few years, which means I leave many of my friends behind. For a while, social media was a good way to keep in touch, but nowadays nobody I know regularly logs in to social media any more (me included), so that route is gone.

About a year ago I decided to start doing a 3-6 month email blast, like those family holiday letters people used to send in the snail mail days. About half my friends I wasn't able to find their email addresses, and when I contacted them on social media they didn't reply. The other half received the email blast, but only two or three have ever responded.

You'd think this means none of my friends are "real friends". But I have since then run into a few of those people in person and it was like nothing changed, our friendship continued how it was years ago for an afternoon or an evening. So I don't think it's that other people don't want to maintain the friendship, it's more that we have kinda lost the knowledge of how to keep in touch. And I'm not sure how to fix it.

That's kind of how I am with my college friends. At least we (pandemic-willing) have a reason to all be in the same city for the same weekend once a year. Some go for the trade show itself, everyone else goes because they know that's when everyone will be in town.

I sorta feel like you answered the question in this comment, despite saying that you don't have the answer. The answer is because you want to stay in touch, because humans (mostly) crave contact with other humans. Loneliness is endemic in a lot of places right now. Many people feel alone, and many people feel like they are "bad at staying in touch", and maybe a tiny handful of people are naturally good at it (altho in my limited experience, the ones who are good at it are usually using some system, even if it's not quite this technical).

Personally, I use Monica and regularly make lists of people that I want to stay in touch with, and then periodically go through those lists and reach out to them. It doesn't have to be a huge personal missive, just a text or an email that says something like "Hey! I was just thinking of you. How are you/you and the family doing?" If something more deliberate triggered the desire, I include that. And it frequently triggers conversations that, like you experienced, were a lot of fun, and end up actually feeling energizing, rather than draining.

YMMV, but when I find myself feeling this way I try to force myself to do what is incredibly uncomfortable, but ultimately probably best for me: I tell them that I miss them and want to schedule some time together. That could mean a weekend to see them, or scheduling a video chat to just catch up, or just a short call while you go on a walk.

It can seem awkward or stilted, but eh, I'll take that feeling over the loneliness any day of the week.

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