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Comment by AsusToss | Hacker News Reader

It’s wild to me that the only reason his wife gave him 30 mins/day of personal time was because of the financial payoff. Bizarre dude and story.

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That...isn't what happened. He has his routine. That routine includes some amount of "family time", whatever that means. It is probably one they have discussed before, in ensuring that their mutual needs for companionship/childcare vs alone time are being met. The plan he came up with would cut into that time. Rather than just make that change on his own, he talked to her about it, ensuring that she was also on board with the tradeoff. That's called "a healthy relationship".

>That's called "a healthy relationship".

That's called asking for permission.

Having someone agree with you about something does not mean you asked for, nor required, their permission. It -does- mean you went and spoke to them first so they knew what to expect, that you gave them room to give their opinion on the decision, and that you went into it with the desire to find a mutually beneficial arrangement in the event they disagreed with it rather than just "Wife! I have decided!"

No, it's normal in a relationship, especially for something you'd do 3 months.

FWIW I assume that's because they parent a 1 year old, and it's important to trade-off on caregiving time.

Not if his wife doesn't work.

Tell me you aren't raising an infant without telling me you aren't raising an infant, lol

If his wife doesn't work then the 30m of me time becomes even more costly and even more important to clear. Work is often the only reprieve from a very young child. The first year of our child, my favorite thing in the world was to go to work, no matter how shitty the task. The thirty minute commute alone was orgasmic, without the sound of a screaming colicky child unrelenting during day and night alike.

The absolute joy of being around other, quiet adults who will not cry and not need their diapers changed.

Your wife not working doesn't change that you're the dad when you're off work and would typically (I hope?) be involved in your children's education as well.

Parenting is work.

Parenting is not the kind of thing where you exchange your labor for money. It's not work in the sense that the parent comment meant it and you know that full well.

I tried to fire my mom once and it did not go as expected

I tried to fire my mom once when she asked for FANG level TC.

> Parenting is not the kind of thing where you exchange your labor for money.

Historically, that really is a big component of parenting. More children meant more money through additional hands being available to work the farm, etc.

Exactly. I know this now. I didn't before I had children.

Some parenting is fun but most is hard unforgiving work that might or might not reward you in the future.

The thing is it's not rewarding in the future, knowing you do hard work for a small being that you love was the reward for me.

> Not if his wife doesn’t work.

Marketable work and childcare aren’t the only kinds of work done within a family.

What's wild to me is that he had to ask his wife for permission to get more personal time in exchange for getting a much higher paying job. I've been married over 10 years and have two kids, and I don't need permission from anyone to do something that I think is going to improve the life of my loved ones; I just do it. And anyway, 30 min/day x three months seems to be a really small ask considering the dramatic improvement in financial status his wife and family will benefit from. Essentially that extra 30 minutes a day counts as work he's doing to bring home the bacon.

Talking to your wife about time you'd otherwise spend together is very sensible, especially for a longer period such as 3 months.

Hell, I’d talk to my wife about any job change, regardless of the implications on our free time together. Do I need her explicit permission? No. Do I value her input? Yes.

Right? I feel like you and I are living in some alternate reality where we actually talk with our partners before making major life changes.

My guess is that some of the people crititicizing here are either macho bragging about stuff they don't actually do, have dysfunctional relationships but don't realize it, or much more likely just aren't or haven't been in long term relationships. Some probably misread or are taking a very negative interpretation to what they're reading.

Don't worry about it :-)

Exactly! It’s wild to me that so many people here seem to think of it as a permission grant, like they’re upset their wife hasn’t added them to sudoers or something. “How dare I not have admin rights to our life” feels like the tone of the majority of comments in this subtree.

It was just surprising.

I think it's mostly phrasing. Asking "May I?" seems silly or unhealthy. Asking "What do you think about this?" would seem more normal.

> Bizarre dude and story.

My thoughts exactly. Just seems...very odd.

He is now manager of some lucky team at FB :)

But gets only 30 minutes a day with his wife...

I expect she is happy with that.

The whole thing read like a humble brag... "As a powerlifter, I workout 4-6 days per week", " I would have the third-highest new offer on Levels out of over 200 offers on their site" .. .etc.

Welcome to co-parenting in the 2020s.

The blog said he needed an additional 30 minutes of time each day, not just 30 minutes period. Presumably they already have a system worked out where they each get some personal time during the day and the job quest shifted this balance.

Call it what it is. That's no way to live and that's not a healthy relationship.

...it's totally healthy. He had developed a routine and set of expectations with his wife, that ensured their mutual needs for time together, and the needs of the kid, were being met. As he looked into how much time he'd need to take to adequately prepare, he first looked to cut down on something important to him without losing progress in it, which gave him most of the time he felt he needed, but still felt short. He then engaged with his wife to discuss his plan, and what he felt would be necessary for it, ensuring she was in agreement that reducing 30 minutes per day of "family time" was an acceptable decision. She was, so that's what they did.

What do you think would have been healthier?

No, it’s weird and I suspect there’s more to the story on how they arrived at this kind of system. It sounds mechanical and low-trust. Granted, I am not as ambitious as the author, but my wife and I do not ask each other for permission to do things. What we do do is let the other know that we’re taking on an extra responsibility, and specific help needed. We both work in tech and are raising two toddlers.

My wife works at a YC co that recently closed their series A.

It’s weird to me that you view it as “asking permission” and not “chatting about a thing before committing to it.”

You’re not alone in this thread. It feels like most men here view it through the lens of permission.

I don’t get it.

It does sound very transactional. If you need to negotiate your time like that then something has gone wrong.

Does it though? "we both agreed it would be perfectly reasonable for me to ask for 30 minutes of additional “me time”"

So..."Hey, I wanna do this thing. It'll mean cutting down on our time together/require more help from you in watching the kid(s), but it has the potential of increasing how much I bring home by (X)" "Huh, yeah, that makes sense. Okay"

Not really. Let's say you're sharing chores. It would make sense to ask if your partner is okay with doing a bit more chores while you prepare for a better paying job.

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