Comment by cehrlich | Hacker News Reader

Comment by cehrlich | Hacker News Reader

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Not great.

A bit more than two years ago my wife went back home to Japan to give birth to our daughter. Then covid hit and her stay there was prolonged. At some point she decided she'd rather stay there permanently.

I accepted that she wasn't going to change her mind, so I started doing everything I can to prepare for a variety of possible futures: - Learning web development to transition from my current career as a university lecturer in an unrelated subject, as this would give me the possibility to sooner or later work remote which might allow me to move to Japan, and/or earn more so that I don't end up struggling to make ends meet in case of a divorce. - Learning Japanese to a level where I can read most things and hold a decent conversation, to make the option of moving to Japan viable.

I went to Japan for a month recently and realized that it's basically impossible for me as a foreigner to ever have a satisfying social life there, despite speaking the language to a decent level. I'm not sure I can live there without completely destroying what's left of my mental health.

Now that I feel just about ready to start applying to some React/Node jobs, the market crashes and from what I've read many companies here in Europe are implementing hiring freezes, especially on Junior roles. On top of that the market in Austria has never been anywhere near as good as some other places. Of course I only need one job, but it's very demotivating.

Most days I spend 14-16 hours between my current job, commute, programming, and language learning. I basically enjoy all three of those things, but the grind is wearing me out. I find that when I take time to meet family and friends I'm so exhausted mentally that I often barely participate in conversations, and feel guilty the whole time that I'm not being productive.

"At some point she decided she'd rather stay there permanently."

I don't know anything about you or your relationship, but in my experience that is not how a healthy relationship works. The couple decides together what is best for both. So right there that seems like a huge red flag. Another thing is. Have you talked with her about your difficulties? Finally, it's probably a good idea to talk to a therapist (or a good friend) to get some outside perspective. Hope you get better soon.

Edit: Also, most foreigners share the same experience of moving to Japan.

For what it's worth, I moved to the United States at some point halfway to adulthood, and I felt the way you describe for about eight years. It took me about three to grok the language, but where I landed was so culturally homogeneous and alien that every day I dreamed of moving back.

It took me moving to a different state (and a very diverse city) to be able to find places where I felt a little closer to belonging. I'm not sure where in Japan you are, but I wonder if certain places or even neighborhoods might be a little easier to integrate into from the start than others?

In any case, I think conversations about whether the relationship is right or not are a little beside the point. You have a child together! Continue doing what you feel is right (i.e., it seems – trying to make it so that your daughter has a father figure for at least a little while in her formative life). I really wish mine had done that. I wouldn't focus on whether you'll stay in Japan permanently or not – just one step at a time for now, and you can always move back in a few years. Maybe your wife will follow you back just as you followed her this time, maybe not, but at least you'll have made some cherished memories with your daughter.

As someone who lived in a bunch of countries with and without English or my native language (Dutch); I would say; just try it. There are many places where you won’t mesh with the locals generally; I was in hk and Shanghai for years and social life was great but, even though there were some native colleagues who wanted to hang out, most social life and including some new friends were expats. I had the same experience in some countries here in the eu where I lived. The language barrier isn’t really the problem in my experience; often times it is the incredibly culture shock that you (or maybe them) won’t get over anyway and if you accept that, it will be fine. Like someone else said; you can always move back; people take things so ‘final’ for some reason. See where time takes you and your new young family over the coming 5-15 years. Maybe after that time your wife is ready to move again with your kid(s). Life is short but by the sound of it, you have 70-80 years left; start with the coming 5 and go from there.

What were your barriers while living in Japan? Have been here for five years now, don't mind it at all...

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