Comment by deanmoriarty | Hacker News Reader

Comment by deanmoriarty | Hacker News Reader

Parent Full thread

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective.

Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited for virtually any woman out there, in virtually any major US metro area. This means that the problem might be in yourself, and my guess is:

- Men perceive you as "weirdo". For example, going on a first date and immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag even to the most desperate men.

- (I bet my money on this) You are too picky, even if you don't think you are, and the only men you're interested in are the ones who have an overwhelming abundance of choice (e.g. top 5% in terms of earning, looks, status), and as such are not in any pressure to settle down with you.

Thanks for sharing your article ! Looking forward to reading it!

And thank you even more for taking the time to share your advice with me. Your time is precious and the fact you’d take time for me who you don’t even know means a lot.

So….

With regards to your first point, I am definitely a weirdo and proud of it! One of my favorite teachers says, “weird is wonderful !” Who else but a bonafide weirdo would post such ah intimate post about their dating life and deepest hopes and fears for children and marriage in such a public setting as Hacker News. Oddly enough, despite being a proud weirdo, I find almost every guy I go out with wants to see me again. So that’s cool, and I appreciate that! I think it’s partly because I’m grounded and kind, and partly because I’m pretty, rarely because I feel truly seen and appreciated for being the delightful weirdo I am.

With regards to your second point, I can’t tell you how much I loathe the word, “picky” which I find to be used so much when in comes to dating and by so many people in this thread. Can’t we at least say “selective”? The word picky makes me think of someone picking their nose not picking a partner.

I think that what people are actually implying when they say “picky” is that I’m materialistic , that I’m looking for a rich guy, for a hot guy, etcetera.

While at times, like most human beings, I am sure I dismissed someone wonderful for the wrong reasons and really missed out, overall I do not believe this to be the case.

I’m looking for a kind man, for an honest man, for a loyal man, for a man I’m physically attracted to, yes, but I think that can also grow with time.

I think that I’ve fallen in love with many a man I didn’t like immediately and so I find myself gravitating more towards advice of friends first then be less selective on such an important decision than life partner.

Would anyone say that someone is being too selective on choosing their CTO ? What can be more important than life partner ?

I used "picky" in another reply and I apologize since this is obviously a sensitive subject and you're right that it's not the most generous word choice.

That said, I think you do need to find a balance. Using your CTO example: if you only interview a single person, you're certainly not selective enough. But if you spend over a year and interview 100+ qualified candidates and still haven't found a mutual fit, then yeah maybe you're being too selective, or just not realistic about how you stack up against the competition.

There's a saying in hiring that you might have heard that says "hire for strength, not lack of weakness". That might apply well in your case too as a way to kind of mentally smooth over accepting someone that maybe doesn't meet all your standards. Like maybe they're well below your physical attractiveness standards or not well spoken, but they're incredibly kind or funny or interesting to talk to.

If you're pursuing a guy that you would have also been interested in when you were 28 and in your physical prime, well, that probably means you've got a lot of competition that will be tough to overcome. Perhaps a weird way to think about it, but it's better if there's something faintly eww about him from your 28 year old self's perspective, that you're now willing to look past.

Anyway, I really wish you luck. You seem like a great person and it's a shame that simply by the mistake of waiting a bit too long in the biological game, you're in a tough spot. While men have their own set of challenges, we don't have to deal with a deadline on figuring these things out.

You don't have to apologize for the word picky, I can easily say words like that with friends without them being triggered, similarly to the word ,,taken'' in another thread.

It's an expression that has been used for a long time, and I don't even see that much difference between the word picky and selective (maybe because I'm not native English speaker, but in my language they are translated the same).

It's really hard and vulnerable to put yourself out there like this. I think it's good to be as kind and generous as possible in these kinds of conversations even (or especially) if there's some brutal honesty involved.

> "What can be more important than life partner?"

My favourite TED talk pairing is Dan Gilbert's Surprising Science of Happiness[1], where he offers evidence upon evidence that we humans grow to like what we are stuck with and can't change. A year after winning the lottery and a year after losing the use of their legs, lottery winners and paraplegics report being equally happy with their lives, one of his studies shows, for example. And Barry Schwartz's Paradox of Choice talk[2] where he argues that the more choice we have, the less happy we will be after we made the choice, full of doubt whether we could or should have chosen better, questioning if we should choose again, and seeing any flaw in the choice as a reason to blame ourselves for choosing it.

In the USA there's over two million marriages every year[3], that seems a lot for people making the most important decision of their lives, to me.

> "I think that what people are actually implying when they say “picky” is that I’m materialistic , that I’m looking for a rich guy, for a hot guy, etcetera."

(I think that's different from common usage; a 'picky eater' is not someone looking for rich food or hot food, it's someone with a narrowband filter on what foods they will eat. By contrast, there's a joke about the shopkeeper who gets a bag of potatoes, splits them into two different containers, and marks one container "selected potatoes" with a higher price. 'Selective' means you selected, even people whose criteria is 'the first person I see' are selecting!)

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q1dgn_C0AU

[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO6XEQIsCoM

[3] https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/hestat/marriage_rate_2018/marr...

> Would anyone say that someone is being too selective on choosing their CTO ?

If you’ve been searching for 3 years and the list of 120 viable candidates have been exhausted all because the CEO “wasn’t feeling it” with every single candidate while they each go on to become successful CTO’s of other companies. The yes, yes of cause everyone would say that they where being too selective on choosing their CTO.

i had a list of criteria, it wasn't a high priority list but more ideas of what i expected from a relationship. but, most of the things that turned out to be a challenge later were not on that list. now with that experience i could build a better list, but no-one has that experience before their first marriage. so this is difficult.

the only way out that i see is that both partners recognize the challenge and find the opportunity to work through these questions together, which btw is already a good way to work out if you can cooperate.

being able to cooperate, for me is now the most important quality in my relationship. if we can work together on reaching each others goals, we can solve the problems that get in the way.

ironically that is the same quality that's most important in the relationship of company founders.

> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities .

> You are too picky, even if you don't think you are.

Agreed. Actionable advice to OP would be to compromise and narrow down core requirements for a partner.

https://smile.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/0... (Amazon: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://openlibrary.org/works/OL8109804W/Marry_him?edition=i... (Open Library: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough)

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-h... (The original Atlantic piece that was the genesis of the above book)

https://smile.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring... (The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love)

A new date every week for two years....doesn't really seem like she really got the chance to know any of them at that rate.

Thank you so much for the great book recommendations !

I don’t think I’m being too picky. I’d wont share the reasons I didn’t go out again with 90% of these guys but it would horrify you and violate my privacy and theirs. I always cross-check with a trusted friend on whatever my reason is.

And I’ve logged them all so I can go back and learn and grow from my past experiences

120 isn't that many, it took me around that many FaceTimes and about 35-40 in-person dates before I found the love of my life during the pandemic.

Some people are way too picky, it's impossible to know if that's the case here or not, we don't have enough information.

immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag

i disagree. that is something that i would want to know up front. yes, it may put off some people. but if the person is put off by that they are not likely to be a good candidate anyways in my eyes.

if you really want kids, then time is running out, and both need to be aware of that. i'd consider not stating that up front but bringing it up later an unfair bait-and-switch. if both are not on board with taking this biological limitation into account, then that's not going to work.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com