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Comment by martin_a | Hacker News Reader

> “I just feel burned out,”

Same, same.

Been on and off dating apps for about 6-7 years now. Trying a new one like every quarter or so, quitting it after 6 months, frustrated by the whole experience. Giving it a new try at the beginning of each year, because "new year, new chances" or something like that.

I know that as an obese person I do not work well with what most people are looking for, but the "no answer at all"-cases are still hurting. Rejections are "fine" (kind of), but no answer at all really fucks my brain up, even after all those years.

Online dating is strange. There are fast-paced online dynamics, combined with our hormones, deeply-rooted human wishes, gamification elements and "pay2win"-stuff. Things that should not be thrown together are totally thrown together and we never learned how to handle that. At least I didn't.

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As a girl you open the app and get flooded with messages just because you show up as online. Some people will try for weeks or months, basically sending a hi every time they go online.

I don't have a suggestion for this problem as some men tend to be really dedicated spamming the shit out of every female but my point is this is really nothing against you and you shouldn't be taking this personally at all.

> you shouldn't be taking this personally at all.

Yes, probably, though this is obviously not that easy and you start thinking whether you are the problem or not.

Dating apps are stacked against the bottom 80% of men, as research has proven that women rate the bottom 80% as below average and tend to like only the top 20% of men in dating apps.

I'd focus on losing weight first if I were you.

> top 20% of men

Loooooooooong way to go then.

> I'd focus on losing weight first if I were you.

Yeah, I'm on it. It's complicated, but yes.

I feel you man, good luck

Thanks!

You can get there, mate. Good luck!

Thank you very much!

Relevant chart:

https://blogs.sas.com/content/sastraining/2014/10/16/how-do-...

> I know that as an obese person I do not work well with what most people are looking for

Not wanting to be offensive, but I do understand where people are coming from. I myself am more in a niche, though it is physically less visible, and I also understand where you are coming from. I do believe it might be good to find a fitting partner, so not sure why the "most people" qualifier is there. What I am trying to get at :) If you are obese, how is your success rate with obese women? If out of 100 sent messages 1 good conversation comes, it is still something.

> If you are obese, how is your success rate with obese women?

I've obviously got no real metrics, but I'd say it's not much better, not sure though. One woman directly told me she wasn't looking for somebody who "looks like her", which at least was a honest answer.

On the other hand: I myself do not prefer girls who are very slim (is that the right word in English?), so I don't write to/like these woman. Not sure if my "success rate" would be better with those, though.

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