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Comment by satokema | Hacker News Reader

> friend has a party

This doesn't help if you're trying to bootstrap from nothing.

> just join a sports league

I spent solid chunks of childhood being forced into sports programs when I at best had below-average physical abilities. I even tried one summer as an adult to play in a league and I discovered that the physical gap had just widened and widened and it just helped isolate me until I quit going.

It's really great that people find things like sports leagues or meetups useful for this, but none of it overlaps with my mostly solo activities.

Unfortunately, that's how it is if you don't share interest with the extroverted crowds: you're just stuck looking for scraps.

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If you bootstrap from nothing, go from coworkers. Some of your coworkers will have some groups of doing something (skiing, hiking, music playing, etc.). Show you interest and get invited. There will be new people there.

There are also other events where you naturally meet people. I’m just throwing out some ideas, if case they are helpful.

For instance, taking group classes. My girlfriend made quite a few friends in her Muay Thai class.

Dog walking. My college friend recently adopted a dog, and has since known a lot of other dog keepers.

You can meet other computer people at conferences, too.

I myself is quite introverted, too. But being introverted doesn’t mean you are left with scraps. There are still occasions where interacting with other people is both necessary and natural. If you put yourself in those situations from time to time, you’ll find a few who fit your rhythm.

Another thing is to offer a helping hand to people. Owing each other favors is the most effective bonding agent in my experience. I have a personal rule of “always be helpful”, and I think that has earned me quite a few very earnest friendships, despite my being not very chatty at all.

I've often heard the "offer a helping hand" advice and made a habit of trying it with coworkers and acquaintances. I've learned, over the years, that many people are uncomfortable accepting casual favors from people they're not close to. And I mean pretty small favors, like offering car rides for people who don't drive or helping haul heavy stuff from Craigslist. I have now started to fight my tendency to offer help until I'm extra sure it's welcome.

It can be hard to make friends from interest based activities. If you only see someone while hiking or whatever they aren’t really your friend. You have to see them in more than one different context. Often for many of us it’s that jump from “activity acquaintance” to “friend” that proves very hard.

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