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And?

If you are in the Apple ecosystem, get an iPhone.

If you are pleased with Android and not in Apple's ecosystem, then get something like the Samsung.

Who the hell cares about this crap?

What about me? I want a high-end Android, non Chinese OEM, non Exynos-based, non shutter-speed-problem-riddled phone that guarantess >3 years of Android OS updates and has shown in the past to deliver on those promises and has a respectable battery life.

Which phone should I get? Or am I too picky for something I want to pay >$1000 for?

Sony flagmans checks most of your boxes. Updates stop after 2 and a half years, true, but since it is android you can update to linageos. Battery life is pretty good, screen is excellent. As a bonus, it is less bulky than IPhone and bloatware... is manageable.

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