I am stressed out by the fact that it seems like my level of effort is not remotely coupled to my level of praise and reward at work. I could do almost nothing for weeks and still be told im doing well and get the same bonus.

I thrive in high pressure, stressful environments and everything at this job is so lackadaisical. At the same time Im realizing I hate being chained to a computer all day.

In top of this ive been experiencing spiritual/existential terror as a result of reading about gnostic doctrines which turned my former religious inclinations on their head. I am terrified that the gnostics may have been correct (if only metaphorically)

Additionally all my time management and prioritization faculties are failing. I am having a hard time remembering to brush my teeth each day, much less keep up with laundry, yardwork, dishes, mopping floors.

Stressed to the point that I am on the verge of puking some days. Having existential crisis on a daily basis. Feel like I have no hope for the future. Im lonely as fuck, bored, and I dont even remotely know how to make things better. I think about my own death frequently and it seems so nice. Id never off myself, before I get links for a suicide hotline, but I di have recurring invasice "I wish I could die" thoughts.

Stress management techniques at this point consist of getting high. And no, its not actually helpful, just escapism.

Id welcome any suggestions. Thanks for reading.