Comment by beerpls | Hacker News Reader

Comment by beerpls | Hacker News Reader

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Unlike others, i’m going to say I get it.

I had a stranger recently come up to me and ask to come to an event I was inviting others to. No problem! Come along

But the thing is the dude was very shy and awkward. Which isn’t a problem, but definitely cast a bit of a cloud over our social event

All of a sudden I was managing him, taking time and focus out of my night to make him feel welcome. I’m sure he didn’t intend it, but he didn’t make it seem as though he were ungrateful

There are so many little social cues to make social work. And if you’re not even remotely part of the group, you’re probably going to clash

Which is all well and good - it’s let of meeting people… but this guy was just blowing through town. All the investment for what? So he could be 1,000 miles away next week? (he said he would be)

The problem with nomads or even superficial travelers is you are taking from the environment you travel to but rarely give much back. And as the trend grows this back and forth becomes tiring fast

So basically if you’re going to travel or be a nomad - be a badass people want to be around. Commit to it and be ready when you get there to shine a personality. If you can’t do it in an environment and culture you’re familiar with - respect the people you travel to by working on yourself first.

Don’t expect other people to be the prop up to make your life interesting

what kind of event was that? tech or something else?

Which is all well and good - it’s let of meeting people… but this guy was just blowing through town. All the investment for what? So he could be 1,000 miles away next week? (he said he would be)

that made me think of this song: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heute_hier,_morgen_dort

be a badass people want to be around

i am probably just like most average introverts, but i don't have problems at tech events, it really depends though. today i was at a meetup of people building brick models (LEGO and alternatives), a hobby i share on the sides. it was way more difficult for me to join that group because i don't have the experience and background as most others, and if it wasn't for people i had already known online, i probably would have acted like your friend there.

on tech events on the other hand i can contribute with my experience, all you need to do is to get me to start talking. likewise any community that is curious about visitors, like my religious community which is always welcoming stories from other countries, which meant i was welcome everywhere i went.

other groups are those where it is possible to integrate without a long history. irish folk sessions. show up with an instrument and play. instant integration. dungeons and dragons. i found a group that would run weekly one-off's. while multiple sessions followed an overall storyline, each session was designed so that it didn't matter who and how many players joined. the DM was ready for anything, the only rule was that all players were at level 5 and had the same number of points to create their characters, so they were all of similar strength. instant integration. board game meetups were even more open. every week i'd see different people. again, easy to integrate.

it does help to have a variety of interests. irish folk sessions were sparse outside of western countries (only in big cities with lots of expats), board games and dnd too. tech events are a lot easier.

It was just a casual bbq with very relaxed friends.

Being social and fitting in is a skill like any other. So many people in tech believe they don’t need to work this particular muscle and it shows

Can you talk about things with a stranger at length that aren’t in your core interests?

Can you make people interested in what you’re talking about even if they’re not exactly your kind of people?

Do you have confidence when you speak, at least enough to get your words across? Do you enjoy being around others in a purely social situation?

All these kinds of things are important. And personally I think they should be developed before one injects themselves into foreign places. For safety as much as the respect of those you travel to

I think they should be developed before one injects themselves into foreign places

i am going to have to disagree with this. if anything i found doing this a lot easier in foreign places than at home. so if i would have waited until i was able to do that at home, then i would never have been able to leave in the first place.

and you know what, after three decades i still feel uncomfortable in a room when i don't know anyone and i rely on others to welcome me. i don't know what or how i should have learned anything other than keep doing it, be patient and to try not be too awkward.

i have literally just been through this experience today. in a group of tech people that all had the same cultural origin as me too. a few people talked to me and i was able to join the conversation.

to answer your questions: i have a variety of interests, some stronger some less, (like most science topics, even if i know nothing about them are interesting) but if it's not about any of those, like most sports or chit chat about celebrities, then i'll struggle. i'll listen, but i may not have much to say.

i don't know if i can make people interested but i can talk to them if they are interested in a way they will understand.

i can speak confidently, and i don't shy away from social situations, but how much i enjoy that depends on everyone there. today was so-so. nobody made me feel unwelcome, but i have experienced much more welcoming groups (mainly from other cultures, most notably africans). so today wasn't bad, but it was somewhat mentally exhausting, just as i expected it

sometimes you just can't predict what happens when you join an event with people you don't know. at one event i talked to someone for 5 minutes, and half a year later he invited me to work with him on his project. at another, after attending a few times, one of the organizers talked to me and eventually became one of my best friends even though he hardly spoke my language, and i don't speak his.

i would not have been able to live such a life rich of experiences if i had stopped myself due to the challenges i face interacting with other people.

actually so far from my experience, the only group of people that seems to have difficulties to welcome others into our groups, is us.

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