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Comment by mrbonner | Hacker News Reader

A couple if months before the pandemic lockdown I lost my dad. Then, the lockdown came. I got hit hard emotionally but tried to look fine. I thought I was fine, too. Family told me I was super competitive for no reason and tried to win even in simple board games. I felt there was rifts between me and my own family. I thought it would help see a therapist. During one of the session, I told her that I thought I was funny and made people around me laugh. She emphasized and made me understand the difference between being funny and being sarcastic. One is genuinely healthy while the other show deeper mental health issue. It struck me pretty hard but open my eyes to see that I had a real problem.

I said that those sessions help me a lot, both in family and at work now.

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> Family told me I was super competitive for no reason and tried to win even in simple board games.

It’s going to vary between groups, but hyper-competitive board gaming is a thing and a good argument over one sentence in a rule book can happen without anyone ruining relationships.

I thought it was pretty clear OP mentioned it because it was out of the ordinary for them to do that or receive such feedback.

Way too often does HN takes every opportunity to actually and point out edge cases to make irrelevant counter arguments.

How does being sarcastic stem from a deeper mental health issue? Negativity?

I had a mate who was very funny; his wit was razor sharp and cutting. I was often at the receiving end of it, mainly because he knew I would take it as funny, nonetheless it was an external projection of his unhappiness inside. Happy ending: he met a girl, and very quickly the brutal edge of his humour disappeared. A shame, because I enjoyed it, but seeing his happiness, it's well worth it.

I often try and make people laugh, partly from a feeling of inadequacy, but partly the habit set long ago in my abusive childhood. Make the particularly unpredictable and dangerous parent laugh and you got a few minutes of safety (including physical safety). It was a strong motivator to be 'witty'.

Not an expert, but it seems to me that sarcasm is a kind of universal negativity that can be applied to pretty much anything. It's also incredibly vague and ambiguous about whether anything better exists or could exist.

For instance, looking at American news, you could sarcastically say "Go America!" to almost any story (unless it's actually good news, of course). Not only is such sarcasm negative, but it's also very passive.

Sarcasm also strikes me as juvenile. Children complain because they expect a parent will find a solution for them. Juveniles turn to sarcasm because they don't want to ask an adult to solve it, but they don't have a solution either. Then when they grow up, they realize that problems really do need to be solved and no one else will do it, so they need to use more productive communication strategies.

Overusing sarcasm is a method of expressing displeasure or discontent without actively pushing away those around you. You’re not actively insulting them, you’re “just joking,” but simultaneously expressing negative feelings. As a pointed remark, it can be hellishly funny. Used as the crux of a sense of humor, it is pretty clearly a scream for help, even if the speaker doesn’t know it yet.

Sarcasm is humor that attempts to invert a power dynamic while superficially being an appropriate thing to say. It can be defensive and weak.

Luckily the easy defense against sarcasm it take the statements at face value. “Oh, really? You wanted to work on Saturday? Well, great then.”

i'm not a psychologist, but that's something i noticed as well before interacting with people. some clever sarcasm can spice up a conversation, but sarcasm in heavy doses is clearly a signal of distress, or mismanagement of anger or pain. sarcasm is the humor of the sour souls.

Sarcasm is usually a defence mechanism.

It's passive. It's the facade of a deeper want or observation that you're not expressing directly.

It puts the burden on the listener and requires mind reading - "is she being serious? Or is this a joke?".

I would contend that the mental health issue stems from when the speaker gets offended that the listener can't mind-read. "WHAT? Why would you take that seriously? I was just joking!"

If you're looking to get a point across, it's the worst means imaginable.

Say it plainly. Say it directly.

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