Comment by dspillett | Hacker News Reader

Comment by dspillett | Hacker News Reader

Parent Full thread

> You get restricted to the bar/party scene

Or meeting people through work (though I wouldn't recommend that one generally on the basis of “don't shit where you eat”, I've seen it work for others).

Or through hobbies (I know a few people who have found partners in the trail running community, for instance).

Or just being happy single. Or, at least, no less happy than you feel you'd be with a partner. Take it from me, someone who is content to be an honorary mad cat lady, it can be a decent life.

Many don't seem able to accept that life can be fulfilling this way, and every now & than they try to fix me by trying to nag me into the dating game. I'm not against dating, or finding a partner, I just don't care for it enough to make much effort, I'm not willing to lie about that or pretend to be someone I'm not more generally, and I doubt potential partners will find that very appealing!

Many don't seem able to accept that life can be fulfilling this way, and feel like lesser people because they are single, which is possibly why people often assume my PoV is something I'm pretending about. And some just want the physical side of things, and see dating/relationships as a gateway to that, and they again see me as odd (or lying) when I say I can happily live without it.

> Many don't seem able to accept that life can be fulfilling this way,

We literally have scientific research showing that loneliness is just as bad for health as smoking, so please stop with this "you can be happy single" meme, it's not even funny at this point.

There's something about modern society that completely breaks the most basic human interactions, leaving people absurdly lonely. It's a pattern that can be seen in all countries: as the society gets more developed, people stop spending time with each other. What it exactly is remains elusive, but if the same statistic shows up across completely different cultures, then it's ignorant at best and evil at worst to put the blame on individuals for failing to thrive in an environment that sets them up for failure.

This is one of the common arguments that show the people who tell me I'm wrong to claim there is no problem with being single, and it is demonstrably wrong so, no, I won't stop with the “you can be happy single” thing.

Where in my post did I say I was lonely? Not having a relationship partner does not imply being lonely: I spend plenty of time with friends, family, and other people in my hobbies. Being single does not necessarily correlate with being lonely, in fact loneliness is a common problem for people in bad relationships. So while some single people are undoubtably lonely and many people who describe themselves as lonely are single, there is a huge pile of nuance between the two concepts.

> What it exactly is remains elusive

Evolution didn't create a self-consistent mixture of drives and desires (that wasn't a priority). To me, it's not a mystery how revealed preference is at odds with the biological Ponzi scheme of having kids, suffering, and dying after preparing them to repeat the cycle. That sucks. If you have better alternatives, you take them.

single =/= lonely. Some of the most lonely people I have ever known were in a longterm relationship or marriage.

I feel the same way. Being single is better the same way that not dealing with room mates is better.

But the relationship project, as a concept, isn't "two is better than one"; in a world where we met a lot of people (a thing rapidly receding into the past), you eventually met someone with whom your chemistry is so overwhelmingly, irrationally powerful that you feel like you can't afford not to be with them, which blows the joys of being single out of the water.

That might be obvious to people, but it's been a while since I was reminded about that feeling. When I remembered, I realized I was thinking about relationships the wrong way. :p Dating apps also skew your thinking, where you're picking from a menu, engaging your rational brain about what ingredients add up to good chemistry. "If they're `x`, that's a deal breaker. They need to be `y`! Also, I want someone who `z`s..." There's no rational analysis though; it's the least rational thing ever. You just have to try enough times.

That might also not be the sole motivator for people who feel lonely being single (a thing I can't really relate to, thankfully -- being in a relationship just cuz I have to sounds like hell).

You nailed it. When I was younger (my 20's on into my early 40's), I felt that I had to be in a relationship because it seemed the thing to do, and my libido had not yet started to wane because of lower T. Now that I'm almost 50, I don't feel the overwhelming urge to be with somebody, and so a woman would have to blow me out of the water for me to give up my freedom and independence at this point.

In my experience the less you seek, the easier it is.

I've never been single for more than a couple of months in my adulthood and I don't see myself as particularly attractive. But everytime I met my new long time partners it was at a moment where I was not really in a mood to enter a new relationship and was pretty much looking forward to spend some time single. But that probably means I was more attractive and looking less like a predator than men who were actively looking. The funny part is that on 2 occasions I used dating apps because as much as I wanted to stay single, I wasn't against the occasional sex but was underwhelmed by the experience and it resulted in very few dates. I've never been much into "marketing" and didn't want to reveal too much which probably didn't help.

ah, the life of an extrovert... it must be nice

Reply on news.ycombinator.com