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Comment by bowsamic | Hacker News Reader

I got burnout and I'm still recovering 3 years even with extensive therapy

EDIT: It would not be an exaggeration to say that I have been (and still am) convinced I will never be able to work again, in any job, at all

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I'm 8 years post nervous breakdown, it took me 5 years before I could even consider going back in to work, any kind of work.

You'll get there.

Could you give an account of how it started and how are you dealing with it?

It would take too long to explain all the details. Basically I started my postdoc after my PhD, and my boss was/still is completely absent and left me alone. For specific reasons pertaining to my psychological history as I uncovered in the therapy, this caused a very strong reaction in me of abandonment, and I found it impossible to continue to work. My boss refused to do anything to help me, he would not give me more help or attention. However, my contract is fixed at three years, I am not in my home country, I live in Germany with my wife who I brought here with me who has a "real job", and I get paid a lot. Therefore, I can just remain at home doing nothing (no one cares if I go in or not) and get paid, which also has not helped.

Of course, now I am going to abandon academia, which is very painful, since it is my entire life so far, but I clearly cannot make it work even though I have tried extensively. I need to be in work where you actually are a part of a team, getting feedback, talking to people. As my contract comes to an end I will be forced to look for a job, but of course I'm completely terrified because of the burnout: I've never had a "real job", and when I tried to do some programming work for my stepdad, even though it went well, I felt terrible when doing it and I felt burnt out with that too.

My strategy was of course to seek mental health services, since at the beginning of the burnout my mental health was much worse (suicidal ideation, depression, etc.) and I found my therapist. I won't go into detail about the therapy because it is a kind of psychotherapy that is common and supported by insurance in Europe but that is controversial in the US.

Of course, the therapy has helped hugely. I no longer have thoughts of suicide and I don't have depression anymore. However I am still terrified of work and am almost completely convinced I will have all the same feelings of apathy, disappointment, and lack of motivation when I try.

First step, I need to convince a company that I don't have these fears, and lie to them about my motivations, and hope they believe me.

EDIT: I can no longer reply to any more comments since /u/dang set harsh limits on my account

thanks for sharing

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