I've accepted and embraced all the permanent changes for one very simple reason: it's better to be alive than depressed and/or dead and/or being in vegetative state. Note that I was dealing with extreme circumstances - life and death on a daily basis. I had stress that was so intense that all of my teeth were in pain, every day two weeks straight.

I am happy I was able to exchange it for the "permanent changes" that made me back alive. I won't hesitate to do it again (have to admit I don't need it know, I'm in peace).

> obsessing about where to source drugs

It's one of the things I avoid, because sourcing is dangerous. Everything is contam now, even weed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehvIkZCZmzA. So "sourcing" and "drugs" are not the words from my vocabulary.

1000-year-old medicine I call it, that nature provides, ideally unprocessed (see /r/herbalism for safe-for-work examples).

Also, try to read the book I mentioned if you have time, it's in the very beginning (first 10% of it will answer most/all of your questions).