I solved this with a ~$200 driver board from AliExpress. I love the result because it's thinner than any other monitor that I own and I can swap between my MacBook Pro and my desktop machine (running either Windows or Linux).

Obviously this requires a little bit of tinkering and the end result isn't nicely packaged like a factory Apple product would be, but it only took about half an hour to put together and I haven't had any issues with the driver board yet. And it was way cheaper than a "Retina" display from Apple or LG.