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Comment by swombat | Hacker News Reader

If you don't present your criticism tactfully, then it'll be bad for you.

Withholding your criticism, however, will just turn you into a mostly worthless zero-contributor.

Don't dump criticism - dump tactlessness.

Here's a simple trick: Instead of saying "You're wrong, because X Y Z" (which is also my natural tendency, as you can see from these posts!) try using the formula: "I see what you're saying. A B C (rephrase what they just said). Hmm. What about X? Does that have any impact?" and let them get to Y and Z themselves.

Just using that phrasing will help you tremendously. Of course there are other even more subtle ways to do it, but this works for most situations, and once you get started down this path, you'll figure them out.

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I think the "What about X" approach often comes across as condescending. It translates to "I figured out what's wrong with it in 2 seconds, but maybe, if I give you a few hints you'll see it too.". I've noticed though that people who don't like criticism (become defensive, etc) respond better to the "what about X" approach.

You suggest tactlessness should be dropped. But plain language is almost by definition tactless. Tact is something you add on top of your opinion/statement because you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. Adding boilerplate tact is bound to give you poor results when it's not sincere. You're emphasizing the good parts merely because you don't want the other person to become defensive. Not because you think the good parts really need emphasis. When I use the "what about X" approach I often feel insincere because I can't directly get to the point. I end up respecting the person I'm talking to less for having to take the insincere route.

To give another example of boilerplate tact: often people advice to combine a compliment and a criticism with "and" instead of "but". Instead of saying "I like the layout, but I think that column should be wider"." you're supposed to say "I like the layout -and- I think that column should be wider". It's so obviously insincere.

I totally agree, and, in fact, one of the things I enjoy most about working with the people I work with now is that I can bypass all the bullshit and just get straight to the point. It's a pleasure for me not to have to add all these extra layers of foam around my points.

However, when faced with someone whose ability to take direct answers I don't know, I'd fall back to the "What about X" method. If they were to answer that by jumping straight to Z and looking a little bit annoyed at me, I'd probably try getting straight to the point next time, and see if that works better with them.

Different people, different conversation styles...

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