Comment by bradlys | Hacker News Reader

Comment by bradlys | Hacker News Reader

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As someone who is entering the age where I should be spending as little time as possible in my life alone (presumably because I’d be married with kids) I’m looking at a very lonely life in the traditional sense. I’m single with no indicator of that changing.

I have a decent amount of friends and see people regularly at my gym since I workout everyday. So, there’s always some minor socialization on any given day. My big woe though is that there’s no easy way for me to meet women. All the things I do normally are just not popular with women and most men are terrible for introducing you to women. After all, any guy who knows a woman who is eligible and attractive will burn the bridge himself unless he’s not single but even then - usually is not encouraged to know such women due to his partner. Even when I try to branch out and do things that are more popular with women, it’s a very challenging environment to get anywhere socially. Yoga and Pilates classes aren’t known for their social atmosphere and if you join in on a cardio dance class - your sexuality and masculinity will inherently be questioned.

Seems most people 25+ rely on dating apps to meet opposite sex now and I’m sure that contributed a lot to the loneliness figures. A lot of us have little reason to go out if we don’t think there’s at least a chance at romance - and the amount of good spaces to meet partners has dwindled.

What about hobbies that are more unisex? A lot of women hike, maybe find a hiking or bike riding group. Something with art, books, whatever. Branch out into other things, find something you can genuinely enjoy. Don't go into it with the mindset you're gonna date, just have fun and get to know people. If something is going to happen, let it naturally happen.

> Yoga and Pilates classes aren’t known for their social atmosphere and if you join in on a cardio dance class - your sexuality and masculinity will inherently be questioned.

If you're really interested in joining those, just do it. Who cares what people think? If someone thinks less of you because your hobby isn't manly, that's their problem.

Statistics matter in these. If there is even a slight gender imbalance in the singles - it creates a very challenging environment.

I’ve investigated groups for hiking and cycling - here in nyc I can say they don’t exist in good numbers (especially in winter) and don’t attract eligible women.

If you go out and do things without the mindset to date as a man - you won’t get dates. Men have to initiate conversation, men have to ask for contact details, men have to organize and plan dates, etc. Women don’t do any of the initial courting. Just going out and being in a space is not going to get you laid as an average man.

This is why people use dating apps so much now. To get a date in real life is exceptionally challenging. You have to first figure out where single women are evening going out (they don’t - single men dominate almost every social activity) and then you gotta court a bunch of random women who you know nothing about in hopes they’ll be a fit. 9/10 times you’ll find out you have completely different life goals within the first 30 minutes.

I think this is why dating apps are so popular. I wish they worked for me but I’m ugly - so I have to stick with real life and hope I meet women with vision problems.

Don't go into it looking for a date, make friends with them, single or not. Do things as friends outside the hobby if it goes there, not necessarily as a date, but just to hang.

Maybe you'll grow it into something more, maybe they'll have a cute friend they can set you up with. I started out with my girlfriend as a friendship and we both caught feelings. I frequented her work and we had fun talking, and she gave me a reason to get her number after a while. 3 months later we were dating.

I’m just gonna let you know that most Americans actually hate this. Most women don’t like men sitting in the wait and hoping the woman will catch feelings back. They want someone who is forward with their intentions from the get go.

It’s a different culture today than what you’re describing. The amount of people I know who started as “friends first” is incredibly small. I’ve met more billionaires than I have met people with that story.

Women are also incredibly bad at setting people up. I’ve known hundreds of women and never had them set me up. The only people who ever did me a solid in that way were gay men. As straight men burn their bridges with every woman that is remotely attractive.

Also, keep in mind that women [at least say they] don't want to be approached while they're out doing hobbies like hiking, bike riding, visiting museums and art exhibits, or when they're grocery shopping or running errands, or at the park with their kids, or... really anywhere, it seems. So, "just go out and court" is not really 2025-realistic advice.

I'm so thankful I'm long-since married and out of this rat race. A few of my male friends my age are post-divorce and they all say the same thing about the dating world today: It's horrible and pretty much impossible for guys. Their ex-wives are having the times of their lives, though! Good luck to you, my dude.

Here in NYC, I will say that trend is reversing at least on the ground. Many women I've talked to in real life are much more open to it now and realize that what many women had said over the last decade was a big mistake. It was a pendulum swing that went way too far after the MeToo movement.

That said, it's even more looks based than it was before. We didn't have swiping apps 15 years ago and it's all people have gotten accustomed to now. The fact that "looksmaxxing" is a mainstream term now is very scary and speaks to how superficial everyone has become in this age. The idea of even giving someone who you don't find very physically attractive from the get go is practically dead.

My point being that women are more open to be approached in various situations but you face an even greater uphill battle now than before because the women are much more superficial and won't receive you positively unless you are a real beauty. It's a grim market. This won't be changing anytime soon either. Part of me believes people are all like this because there's literally no reason to be with someone because even most people can't afford a home or family even with two incomes now.

Did you try a professional matchmaker? There must be matchmakers specialized in professionally successful singles in NYC.

Yeah, I looked into it. Part of the deal with professional matchmakers is that they're very selective with their male clients. One said they wouldn't take on a client if they didn't believe they had over 80% chance of matching them.

So, typically, for these matchmakers - they are taking on men who are executives and above average physically. They won't take on your typical engineer who got 7-8 figures out of an IPO because those men are low status and generally unattractive. The men must also have relatively modest bar. They cannot expect perfection. Matchmakers for men are mostly about freeing up the mans time and not about doing something he could never do. For these men, spending hours on dating apps, tuning profiles, messaging random women, etc. is a huge time/money sink. They'd rather pay someone what feels like a drop in the bucket at $50k ("It's one banana, Michael. How much could it cost, $10?") and have them set up the dates.

I've yet to meet a matchmaker that would take me on because they know I'm too challenging of a case. The man needs to be high status, physically attractive, and have reasonable standards (which might still be outlandishly high for the general population but these are typically top 0.1% men). I'm neither high status nor physically attractive. I can't even get matches on any dating app and that's not usually the case for these men. They have too many and don't know what to do and need someone to filter it down for them.

Interesting. I didn't know they were so focused on the most sought-after men. In some cultures, a large fraction of men is matched by matchmakers.

That’s a very different kind of matchmaker. Those aren’t usually marriages of love to begin with.

>They won't take on your typical engineer who got 7-8 figures out of an IPO because those men are low status and generally unattractive

low status? I'm not gay but I'd date you. Stability is way sexier than some sort of "I can fix him" broken/badass persona that people are stereotypically magnatized towards.

But yeah I apologize. I'm the same place without the IPO. All I can say is to just spend some time "fixing you". hire a private nutritionist and maybe trainer and just... ugh "looksmaxx", as the kids are saying.

Even if it somehow doesn't work, you'll feel a lot better about yourself.

I’ve done all that. It’s insufficient. I’m getting surgery in LA next month to help push it forward more. My surgeon said I’m one of his oldest clients for what I’m getting done. Most people at my age aren’t getting surgeries like this because it’s kinda considered “too late”. But here I am, in my mid-30s trying to stay competitive.

How much do you expect a surgery to increase your odds of finding the partner you're looking for? Genuinely curious since it sounds such an incredible situation assuming that we are not talking about really serious surgery like trying to mitigate disfigurement or similar.

It's all very minor stuff. I've had surgery before and it was a very minor improvement. In most aspects, I look like a "healthy" adult male. The problem is that my facial attractiveness is subpar and most women I run into in places like NYC and SF have a bar that is hard to pass. Most of the women you encounter that are in relationships are not a respective audience of what you will find out in the singles market. Women who are single at 30+ in NYC/SF are a very different crowd than the ones who married their college boyfriend. Part of the reason these women are single is because of their high demands.

My hope is that one day I will be able to pass the looks threshold and be able to get matches on things like dating apps. I'm doubtful that I ever will and so that's why I am super consistent about going out and doing stuff but the brainrot from being online all the time has infected most women I run into. Most of the women I'd be compatible with just don't go out to many events where single men are.

What’s your take on finding a partner from abroad? I understand it sounds incredibly cringy and fake, but I have a couple of friends that would easily fall into the bucket of “very subpar facial+body attractiveness”, and went through their 20s without a single date. One found a wife in Eastern Europe, and one in South East Asia.

There are a million reasons to think how bad of an idea that would be (I thought the same for a while), but after many years they are still in very happy marriages, with attractive and loving wives that do genuinely seem to care about them after all these years.

It wouldn't make any sense for me. I'm looking for a professional working woman and not a housewife.

there are also professional women in those countries. but it is still an important point to consider because they may not be able to work in your country after moving, unless you move to theirs, which is what i did. my wife was always earning more than me.

Sorry to hear that. I don't know your exact situation, but if you have to resort to surgery it's clearly not just "calories in calories out and "buy yourself soke decent clothes".

I can only wish you luck.

Yeah. I think you'll find my story is going to be more and more common in the next few years. Currently, cosmetic surgery for men is heavily scrutinized but I think in the next few years it will become more like Korea. Hair transplants have already become mainstream and considered normal. It's inevitable that men will spend more time flying to other countries to get more work done. The costs in the US are obscene and way out of reach for your average male but are very reasonable in places like Turkey or Mexico.

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