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Comment by yes_really | Hacker News Reader

Did you try a professional matchmaker? There must be matchmakers specialized in professionally successful singles in NYC.

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Yeah, I looked into it. Part of the deal with professional matchmakers is that they're very selective with their male clients. One said they wouldn't take on a client if they didn't believe they had over 80% chance of matching them.

So, typically, for these matchmakers - they are taking on men who are executives and above average physically. They won't take on your typical engineer who got 7-8 figures out of an IPO because those men are low status and generally unattractive. The men must also have relatively modest bar. They cannot expect perfection. Matchmakers for men are mostly about freeing up the mans time and not about doing something he could never do. For these men, spending hours on dating apps, tuning profiles, messaging random women, etc. is a huge time/money sink. They'd rather pay someone what feels like a drop in the bucket at $50k ("It's one banana, Michael. How much could it cost, $10?") and have them set up the dates.

I've yet to meet a matchmaker that would take me on because they know I'm too challenging of a case. The man needs to be high status, physically attractive, and have reasonable standards (which might still be outlandishly high for the general population but these are typically top 0.1% men). I'm neither high status nor physically attractive. I can't even get matches on any dating app and that's not usually the case for these men. They have too many and don't know what to do and need someone to filter it down for them.

>They won't take on your typical engineer who got 7-8 figures out of an IPO because those men are low status and generally unattractive

low status? I'm not gay but I'd date you. Stability is way sexier than some sort of "I can fix him" broken/badass persona that people are stereotypically magnatized towards.

But yeah I apologize. I'm the same place without the IPO. All I can say is to just spend some time "fixing you". hire a private nutritionist and maybe trainer and just... ugh "looksmaxx", as the kids are saying.

Even if it somehow doesn't work, you'll feel a lot better about yourself.

I’ve done all that. It’s insufficient. I’m getting surgery in LA next month to help push it forward more. My surgeon said I’m one of his oldest clients for what I’m getting done. Most people at my age aren’t getting surgeries like this because it’s kinda considered “too late”. But here I am, in my mid-30s trying to stay competitive.

How much do you expect a surgery to increase your odds of finding the partner you're looking for? Genuinely curious since it sounds such an incredible situation assuming that we are not talking about really serious surgery like trying to mitigate disfigurement or similar.

It's all very minor stuff. I've had surgery before and it was a very minor improvement. In most aspects, I look like a "healthy" adult male. The problem is that my facial attractiveness is subpar and most women I run into in places like NYC and SF have a bar that is hard to pass. Most of the women you encounter that are in relationships are not a respective audience of what you will find out in the singles market. Women who are single at 30+ in NYC/SF are a very different crowd than the ones who married their college boyfriend. Part of the reason these women are single is because of their high demands.

My hope is that one day I will be able to pass the looks threshold and be able to get matches on things like dating apps. I'm doubtful that I ever will and so that's why I am super consistent about going out and doing stuff but the brainrot from being online all the time has infected most women I run into. Most of the women I'd be compatible with just don't go out to many events where single men are.

What’s your take on finding a partner from abroad? I understand it sounds incredibly cringy and fake, but I have a couple of friends that would easily fall into the bucket of “very subpar facial+body attractiveness”, and went through their 20s without a single date. One found a wife in Eastern Europe, and one in South East Asia.

There are a million reasons to think how bad of an idea that would be (I thought the same for a while), but after many years they are still in very happy marriages, with attractive and loving wives that do genuinely seem to care about them after all these years.

It wouldn't make any sense for me. I'm looking for a professional working woman and not a housewife.

there are also professional women in those countries. but it is still an important point to consider because they may not be able to work in your country after moving, unless you move to theirs, which is what i did. my wife was always earning more than me.

Sorry to hear that. I don't know your exact situation, but if you have to resort to surgery it's clearly not just "calories in calories out and "buy yourself soke decent clothes".

I can only wish you luck.

Yeah. I think you'll find my story is going to be more and more common in the next few years. Currently, cosmetic surgery for men is heavily scrutinized but I think in the next few years it will become more like Korea. Hair transplants have already become mainstream and considered normal. It's inevitable that men will spend more time flying to other countries to get more work done. The costs in the US are obscene and way out of reach for your average male but are very reasonable in places like Turkey or Mexico.

Interesting. I didn't know they were so focused on the most sought-after men. In some cultures, a large fraction of men is matched by matchmakers.

That’s a very different kind of matchmaker. Those aren’t usually marriages of love to begin with.

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