I can recommend everyone to read Felix Hill's suicide note on the topic. He was a scientist in DeepMind: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-jBoSEVlryiX1IaSzV4vKuih...
And I have been managing depression since 16 (I'm in my early 30s). But, I have always questioned whether I really have depression or whether I am justifiably upset at how shit my life is. I cannot imagine being him and being depressed. But I understand that some people have everything, except happiness and peace of mind. It's so confusing.
Thankfully, I don't mess with drugs.
I hope you don’t find what I'm about to say glib. I don’t mean it that way. I truly believe that you can find meaning through shifting your focus from inside to outside yourself. I say this only because this has benefits to me. I realize that may not mean it works for you, but I hope it will.
Try giving freely of your talents to others. You mention your math career. Try finding people who struggle with math and tutor them. For free. Start slow & easy, and focus on their growth not yourself.
I also encourage you to unplug and find ways to reconnect with nature. Walks where you do nothing but notice the colors of the flower petals, or the rippling of the water. No distractions. Just practicing on focusing outward with no expectations.
I hope you can find some meaning in this crazy life. Sometimes I resort to a pascal style wager - this is by definition my only shot at life, so why not try and see what happens?
For the modern day atheist person the formula for happiness could also be
1) Ignore risks
2) Ignore complexity
3) Ignore higher levels in all domains, pretty much disregard classifications better/worse of sorts.
The linked note conveyed a world view that felt transactional, low in dimensionality, self-focused. Which isn't to criticize so much as empathize. I understand your comment, but perhaps you have it better than you realize.
BUT feeling like a failure is 100% incorrect thinking because you are basically using the ridiculous weight of others to judge yourself
Society is weird-AF, do not subject yourself to others judgment, ever
Way easier said than done but "don't do that"
If you haven't hurt anyone you've never done anything wrong.
It is amazing how things change as we get older, perspective is EVERYTHING
Sincerely, a late 30s guy that has been through a massive burnout, mid life crisis and journey to discover myself in the past 5 years.
Millions of people have been through the same in the whole of history. Many have left notes about their experience for posterity. Time to hit the library, my friend.
(The things that have helped the most have been, in no order: talk therapy, solitude, the Tao Te Ching, Alan Watts, Camus, Nietzsche, and many more, rediscovering my long lost teenage dreams, understanding that nature is a crucial part to mental sanity and restoration)
Take care, and good luck.
Seconding that entire list of recommendations, as well. Xe haven't really touched the Tao Te Ching specifically but, speaking as a secular materialist post-theist, tarot and oracle decks have served xe incredibly well as introspective tools. Consider the Oblique Strategies deck if you want to sample a similar experience.
Wishing you luck!
Respectfully, I'm not sure what gender identity has to do with midlife crisis. Happens to every human that has ever lived past a certain age.
But xir midlife crisis had far more to do with an abusive ex, "normative" but foolish financial choices, and other mental health issues.
The gender matters were and continue to ground xe more than not: They're an undeniable, celebration-worthy facet of xir identity and a regular source of joy. Gender euphoria is a thing! If you're cisgender but have found deep affirmation in an especially gendered outfit (e.g. a tuxedo or cocktail dress) then you've had a taste of what it's like to go beyond your baseline gender contentment. Hope that helps!
Reality is complicated...
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expansion_of_Macedonia_under...
Philip inherited too. He built on his father's very considerable success, just like Alexander built on his father's.
Amyntas III -> Philip II -> Alexander III
They're a dynastic set. There's not a lot of sense in separating and comparing them.
But in terms of lasting impact, it's not even close. Philip II exerted control over Greece for a brief time but didn't change much. Alexander changed the entire world permanently.
There are plenty of cases of people who rose through the ranks to become powerful beyond anyone’s wildest dreams.
Adolf Hitler, maybe the most famous example.
He was also, by all accounts, a twat. He killed his friends in bouts of rage. He was a brilliant strategist, but he did not really build anything that lasted. Some slivers of his empire survived, but not because of his actions. He might have lived the life he wanted, we will never know for sure. But I would much rather live the life I have, however imperfect it might be.
> Am I a better man than him?
Are you happy? Do you make other people happy? Do you support or help other people when they need, or side by them when they want? Those are more important metrics than the surface area conquered at the cost of tremendous suffering.
We remember people for their accomplishments, not because they were good as human beings.
No question that he was both lucky and a despot.
2. Many of the Diadochi (his bros) went on to great success, and he picked all of them.
People love to be contrarian but it can get ridiculous. Claiming that Alexander the great wasn't actually so great is just boring.
You're in good company, because the other ~100% of us are also imperfect and make mistakes all the time.
You take the "bad with the good" just the same as you take the "good with the bad."
Life is not a race. There is no prize at the end. In a long enough timeline, nobody will remember you, nor Alexander the Great. What is the point then of your life? What is your goal?
Seek to answer this question, and proceed.
The issue is that these are positional goods. Per definition there can only be a single person who is the top contributor of a field of research.
Every time I fall into this trap I separate out what is positional goods and what is valuables to me. And then I very deliberately convince myself that it is not worth it to chase positional goods for the sake of doing so.
Said in other words: Do research because you like it, not because of the acknowledgement that follows on.
(As a side effect many will find that they indeed do not care doo much about research)
Lamotrigine is worth checking out for those who never tried it. Antidepressants never worked for me either. But, Lamotrigine eliminated the worst of my depression and constant ideation. Apparently, it rarely works for people, but when it does, it works really well (see past HN comments containing “Lamotrigine”).
Anyone that resonates with that letter, please speak to someone. If you're a male in the UK there's Andy's man club[0], which is just a group of normal guys who chat about life - including mental health. You'll hear first hand how close a lot of them came to tapping out but made it through and are glad they did. No matter how bleak it seems, there is a route to something that resembles happiness... you might just need a helping hand from others to get there.
When I saw the Psychedelics headline I was expecting these two plus maybe DMT. Some people consider Ketamine as psychedelic drug but it's really a dissociative drug.
Otherwise, street ketamine can be adulterated with anything. It is dangerous.
(To be clear I’m not saying Felix was gene edited by birth, but rather there may be correlations between the genetic markers that “improve intelligence” and depression)
That is precisely the case, for the simple fact that we human beings must live in groups, where we each do different tasks that enable the whole to function.
That is why narcissists are NEVER happy. They are simply reaping what they've sown.
All these people that think earning money will make them happy are ASLEEP to the fact that we can choose to ignore the truth you have realized. A human being must consciously WAKE UP to the fact that we must choose to help others become happier if we are to become happy.
The cool part, because I'm a nerd, is that it's mathematical at heart, as most everything is in this wonderfully constructed universe.