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Comment by SilverElfin | Hacker News Reader

There are more basic issues with these apps too, which is that they turn dating into a second job. And it is very difficult for men especially, as data has shown that messages / likes mostly center on the most attractive men rather than being well distributed as it is for messages from men to women. So everyone without that attention just ends up swiping right on thousands of profiles and hoping for something to happen. It’s unproductive, depressing, and I would hate to be a single man today with all dating happening online. For that reason alone, we should move on from the online dating experiment.

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A tv show in the Netherlands once summed it up nicely: the dating site experience for men is like interviewing for a job, for women it’s like shopping.

Back when I was dating online dating had just started and I went out on a few dates with women I met online and it all seemed to go OK.

But in the end all the successful relationships I ever had were people I met in real life. Is it really that hard to meet people in real life these days? I mean, in fairness, I was on a campus most of that time, and so mingling is sort of built in. But surely there are other contexts where people mingle?

Society has made many of what were originally the most common places to meet your future spouse now taboo to ask someone out. For example, before dating apps, something like 30-40% of relationships leading to marriage started in the workplace.

Ok, people say this, but is it really true?

My personal experience, the boring sexual harassment training, and talking to the AI, suggests that asking out a coworker at the same level of the org chart with whom you don't closely work is not considered really problematic, especially among young people.

You can't ask out someone you supervise and its considered a little socially risky to get involved with someone who you work with really closely, but nothing seems to prevent coworkers from asking each-other out, as far as I can tell.

> Is it really that hard to meet people in real life these days?

Yes. *especially if you don’t drink*.

The loss of a third space and common community center (Churches, in the US past) has cascading effects.

> But surely there are other contexts where people mingle?

Well, what are they?

Bars, churches, cafes, work related activities, clubs, sports, libraries? Are people just sitting around in their houses all day or what?

Some people, yes. Go on a dating subreddit and ask where to meet people, and a lot of them will say "on the apps," and that they don't want to be bothered on the occasions when they go out in public.

That's the always-online contingent, though. In real life, a lot of people still go out and would be glad to be chatted up in person. By someone they find attractive, of course, but that's always been the case. If you do it today, one advantage is that you stand out, since so many are afraid to do it.

Bars are like 3:1 men to women, so not much chance there. Church is not an option for atheists. Cafés and libraries are not places where you go to talk with random strangers. Clubs and sports are expensive.

At the risk of sounding like a cave dweller even though I'm out and about my capital city every day... I think a lot of people are staying home. Understandably so.

They're exhausted from work, commutes, everything costing more money, being advertised/pitched/upsold to at every chance, crypto bros, noise, constant calls to their attention, being the target or witness of unsavory interactions, etc.

There are a bunch of reasons to hate it "outside", in increasing numbers, with at best no increase in reasons to enjoy it.

>> I would hate to be a single man today

It always been like that. It sucks to be a single man who looks for women. Unless you are rich and handsome.

If dating app doesn't work for you, think of how people connected before apps. Go to group activities, engage with people and build a relationship.

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