Comment by YaeGh8Vo | Hacker News Reader

Comment by YaeGh8Vo | Hacker News Reader

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Wrong. I can tell you from 15 years of married experience, that it's more complicated than that. Some of the patterns that are put in place are feedback loops, and when you change your own behavior, it fixes by itself. No need to talk, just do something different. In fact, talking sometimes makes things worse, because now this background thing becomes a first class issue.

One thing I have observed over and over again, is that when I lack assertiveness, because I am tired or something, then she feels like she needs to take over. And she does it very well. But it also creates a lot of anxiety in her.

What I am saying to OP, is that it's time to be more assertive. (1) There is more at play than the couple here; you can't just watch your children getting wrecked and do nothing. And (2), taking some ownership might actually fix the underlying issue.

ok, hat's a good observation. but it depends on the personalities involved and the specific actions. for me personally for example talking about an issue IS my way of being assertive.

of course there are situations where simply taking responsibility for something can help, but i don't see that in the situation described. if my wife is scheduling to many activities for the children, how can i take over when i simply want there to be less activities.

in other words if my wife does something that in my opinion simply should not be done, how can i stop her, other than sharing my feelings about it? how can i take ownership of the kids activities other than replacing them with other activities. or what do i do when i am at work while this happens? and working until 2am at night? how am i supposed to react other than saying, please don't do that?

We don't know enough about OP's situation, so we're both projecting quite a bit.

Of course communication is important, and the first thing I would do is talk about the shared expectations we had for the children's schedule. Maybe she didn't understand or remember. Or maybe something on her side changed. Take the calendar, mark explicit downtime hours, and talk about how those should be treated.

If that doesn't work, then it's tough. It might be some deeper patterns in the couple that needs to be broken down and restored. Or a psychological issue on her side. That's where the change of behavior can be useful. It's still communication, on the non-verbal level.

Anyways, I hope OP does something and doesn't just let things fly by.

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