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There's nothing self-hosted about relying on Cloudflare for _literally_ everything.

Sure, but this is a free thing for some to play around with. Nothing literal, reliant or histrionic about it. :)

Call it "A free personal AI agent" if "free" is what you care about, self-hosted doesn't imply free nor vice-versa.

Agreed. Better yet, call it "free (as in beer)" to distinguish from the other meaning of free when talking about software :-)