Genuinely though, you're probably better off with an actually airgapped computer. Buy a $300 oldish dell or lenovo that you can slap ubuntu on to. Single purpose, no gaming, no email. If you keep it off the net, updates aren't needed. Sign transactions completely offline.

Keep the seed phrase safe. Use actual dice to generate it. Put a chunk of it into your wallet, a chunk into your password manager, a chunk in your attic or in a book, etc. Never type it into an internet connected computer.

Oh and, never tell anyone about how much crypto you have.

This is reasonably safe, and reasonably within the capabilities of a non cryptography nerd.