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One of my favorite pieces on writing is "Effective Writing for Army Leaders," available at http://www.au.af.mil/au/awc/awcgate/army/p600_67.pdf . They have hilarious side-by-side comparisons of poor and good writing, such as pg. 13 and 14 (pg. 7 and 8 by page number). I found this during a brevity kick I had after reading David Sirlin's "Writing Well."

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That's pretty awesome! Although I think the elements of the "poor" example that draw attention to some potentially pertinent information shouldn't have been removed. (For example, the fact that the applicant is not mission-essential during a training cycle, and that given he has not previous cold-weather injuries, he may be less susceptible to them.)

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