I know everything you're saying is tongue-in-cheek, but I will point out to those who may not be 'in the know' that you can always opt out of any intrusive scan for a pat-down instead. Perhaps not any more comfortable, at least the sweaty TSA agent brushing your inner thigh is just as uncomfortable as you are. Hopefully.
I've always opted out, hence the "free massage" thing. They always half-heartedly try to intimidate you by not allowing you access to your things, and they go through the motions of a pat down. It depends on the employee, but it was definitely better than the scanner.