Comment by pandler | Hacker News Reader

Comment by pandler | Hacker News Reader

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Interesting that this came up. Last weekend, I was at a coffee shop / bar type place with a friend and we got talking about body language. We started people watching and noticed two separate people in the place: both males, both alone.

The first man, I decided, was waiting for someone and was very clearly uncomfortable with the idea that he was sitting alone in a public place. His right leg was shaking rapidly (my right leg started doing the same thing as I watched him) and kept giving off signals that could only be interpreted as a mixture of anxiety and outward gestures to let people know that he was waiting for someone. He also kept taking out his phone, fiddling with it, and putting it back away. I was behind him, so I noticed that all he was doing was compulsively flipping back and forth between the home screens on his iPhone. Sure enough, a woman with whom he seemed well-acquainted with showed up five minutes later to join him, and he calmed down.

The second man had no scheduled guests beside his waiter and was calm as could be. He just sat, unoccupied, and enjoyed his meal and coffee alone while mildly observing his surroundings. He even noticed me glancing at him and offered a smile as if to say that he knew what I was doing. I smiled back.

The reality is, and this was one of the points of the article, that I hadn't even noticed either of them until I had intentionally given myself a reason to.

I'm often that second guy, and it's one of my favourite past-times.

My recipe:

1. Go out, 2. alone, 3. with a book, 4. and drink a glass of wine.

It never fails me. Often I don't even read the book - it's just a handy crutch. If you do tire of gazing slowly at the surroundings, reach for the book rather than your phone. Never pull out your phone.

It's amazing how many little conversations I have with passers-by, the staff at the cafe, the person sitting next to me, or, equally lovely, just nobody. I just look around. I absorb the world for half an hour without really having to be doing anything, and certainly not with anyone.

I used to love doing this when I lived in Italy - sitting outside a café in beautiful weather watching the (often) beautiful people pass by, usually languorously struggling through an Italian newspaper and making occasional friendly small talk with the waiters. Now I live in the south west of England, let's just say I don't have so much occasion to do this (he says, staring out of the window at the steady drizzle falling in my office's car park).

In the days when I traveled for work a fair bit, I would take along a book to dinner. Generally, once the meal arrived, I would set the book aside and eavesdrop. I was never furtive about, people just speak loud enough for one to hear. I tended to become involved in conversations only if I ate at the bar.

So the second guy was eating a meal, and the first guy was not, probably doing nothing until his guest arrived.

There is your difference.

There are many times where you're left doing nothing, waiting for something to happen or somebody to arrive.

Enjoy the moment. Relax. Observe your surroundings. It's sad seeing people who cannot deal with lack of external stimulus, and the "difference" from the other patron in this situation shouldn't matter.

> Enjoy the moment. Relax. Observe your surroundings. It's sad seeing people who cannot deal with lack of external stimulus [...]

This is what I want to do (and will try to). It's not that I cannot deal with a lack of external stimulus though, it's just that I'm too anxious and in my own head. But now that I've reached 30 I've started caring a lot less about stuff like this and think I might be able to (for example) enjoy a meal in a restaurant on my own, or sit and have a glass of wine somewhere, if I wanted to.

I use to people watch a ton. Most people HATE being alone and need someone to be there or else there was zero chance they would ever go out alone.

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