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I’d like to understand why this post was flagged ? If it’s not appropriate content for Hacker News , I’m happy to remove it.

As another woman in tech, I thank you for your effort putting together these resources.

Hopefully it will raise awareness and those men who support equality in the workplace and more importantly, see the value of women’s ideas - ideas that they perhaps do not hear because they are not giving time for them to speak them- will benefit.

Love the focus on personal improvement rather than changing others. I’m going to use this when I pitch investors on zoom!

As someone who sided with the parents and feels it’s our responsibility to care for all children and raise them well, whether we are parents or not - I still think the saddest piece is that people are still not having honest heart to hearts in their companies about these vital issues. I happen to believe that many parents have a lot to offer our companies. By taking care of them and listening to their needs we can better retain them. Likewise single people without kids have needs too. If we take care of then and listen well we can retain them better. But hopefully not every aspiration must be motivated by personal success. Hopefully there’s some inherent value in a thriving community too .

I want this : “become more open to trying things that change your identity and kill your ego.”

"what's the value in getting the thing if you don't want it any more?" - I agree. That's why I don't really believe people who say they give up. Somewhere they still wanted it.

It was actually great! I was really not expecting to meet such a wonderful person. And definitely not expecting any dates to come out of a post that I thought made me sound quite desperate.

I was just curious about this concept of giving up in general because it came up quite frequently.

Fantastic. I'm super excited to read these. Thank you so much!!!

Ooh. I love that idea. The flawed mechanism is blocking the organic ones.

I run an education company that has some clubs for kids. One of our families told us about Lichess and used it to start a chess club. We LOVE Lichess and our kids use it all the time at Modulo to play together or with a chess instructor.

We'd love to expand our little group.

If you have a kid (Grades K-12th grade) who wants to play chess with us, please get in touch with me, tell me a little bit about your kid and how you found us on Hacker News and we'll add you to our club! It would be so great to have more fun families playing with us.

https://lichess.org/team/modulo-learning

That's super interesting. I didn't really know about the default mode network. Want to learn more!

I think with the AA thing it might have to do with loving with detachment. This actually happened to me and I think it was a combination of giving up completely and also realizing how much my self-interest was involved in the outcome - expectations about what sobriety would mean for me as well as wanting to be the savior. An interventionist pointed out to me that there were lots of people surrounding my partner trying to take care of them which prevented them from taking care of themselves, made them feel like a child instead of an adult - and thus was disempowering. We were sending a subtle message that they weren't capable of taking care of themself.

You are wise. Love this: "How much of your interest is in them personally, and how much of it is lust or the desire to not be alone"

Brilliant:) Would give two points if I could. Actually I had, so probably you're right.

Very sweet of you to ask.

I'm starting to get a little concerned about how much personal information I've already divulged on this thread but if you reach out to me individually, I'd be happy to tell you my birthday and add you as a friend on the Pattern.

I'm a Pisces.

And great recommendations. I hadn't heard these before.

There is a silver lining to extremism : it awakens reasonable people out of indifference.

I talked to a couple friends.

Most are women.

Many laughed at me posting this on a forum dominated by men in their twenties.

As not the best place to get advice on this issue.

I, however, have found it interesting.

I will argue with you though. If you look at the language, many people on this people volunteered their facts about my fertility without any expression that it was a perception, but just a fact.

I will add that the moderators have been incredibly vigilant in deleting and flagging some of the more misogynistic comments that have been posted here including one that said, "your baby will definitely be abnormal"

I feel and I have always felt that it's easy to point fingers at Trump for saying "grab them by the pussy" in a van, but it's harder to address misogyny in your own community and treat the people who are being misogynistic as human beings. That starts by expressing your own humanity and seeing theirs.

These people can continue to go around telling women in their forties that they are infertile and act like they know better than a doctor, or maybe the next time they meet a woman like me, they will pause and see that might be hurtful, and be more curious instead of volunteering these unsolicited "Facts" about her body.

These are random musings.

However, the most important thing about writing that answer was that I needed to stand up for myself.

And express why this bothered me so much.

I know my body better than the people in this forum. The comments made me doubt that a couple times. I needed to stand up for myself.

I felt better.

Thanks for asking.

Also, I am not a mess. I'm sorry if you feel you are. You don't seem like a mess, but you know yourself best :) Good luck to you.

I believe it touches on an important political issue. I feel that this country is very very divided. It's important we discuss these matters in our own community and not just yell and point fingers at the other side. This was bothering me. I feel men try to control women's bodies all the time. And diagnosing my fertility, I do believe, is a subtle way of trying to control my body, even if it isn't Clarence Thomas overturning Roe V Wade. Perhaps if I speak my peace, others will think twice before they make an assumption about an individual woman's body and assume they know better than her. It may have misconstrued some, but others were very very blatant in their beliefs about women's fertility in general - which I would argue, clearly had nothing to do with this post.

When I first read your comments, I felt almost sure that you were someone I already knew, one of my mentors. But then you mentioned you were younger than me, so that got me curious about who you are:) You're very insightful, much wiser than your years it seems. If you ever feel like revealing yourself, I'd love to speak to you about the product I'm building (not my love life), because it seems like you are acutely intelligent and really know the right questions to ask. You're honest, but in a gentle way. Anyway, you know where to find me:) No pressure.

I can't really tell you this because I fear it will make me look extremely judgmental. I think that there are many men in this thread who have felt a lot of pain being rejected by woman and take my comments personally.

However, I will say that for the 10%, there was nothing that extremely bothered me, that they were fine (nice-looking enough, smart enough, good listener enough, nothing mind-blowing - not looking for super models or master conversationalists). If I felt I could tolerate them for a second date, I'd go on one.

I liked the fact that they were outliers. Attractive men who didn't know that they were attractive. And appreciated and saw my intelligence. And socially awkward, so I felt I had something to bring to the relationship and that I wouldn't have to compete too hard for them, like they'd be nicely tucked behind their computer away from other women to steal from me. And very data-driven, scientific-minded, so I felt confident their caring meant something - and that they were honest, not manipulative. And that my ability to present myself well and emotional intelligence was something of value to them, that they admired.

Great idea! I'm going to try this! I'll let you know how it goes:)

I really appreciate the honest feedback everyone has given on this post. Some of it was hard to hear, but all of it enlightening. And I appreciate the generosity of the community in the time they took to engage in this issue.

I do want to address one last thing before giving this post a rest.

A lot of people on this post have made conjectures about my reproductive health and ability to have children at the age of 41.

Among the other comments I heard, I found these particular comments to be the most frustrating and hard to stomach.

In the last two years, I've gone to two fertility clinics. My blood samples were taken and I was given an ultrasound at one clinic, Kindbody, to determine my chances of having children. In fact, in order to get my eggs frozen, two nurses took my blood samples, examined my hormone levels and gave me an ultrasound every other day for two weeks. These licensed doctors gave me realistic and conservative assessments and recommendations from their evidence-based approach. Evidence-based recommendations and insights into my ability at this age to have a healthy child given many factors.

People on this forum have found it fit to weigh in on their own views about my reproductive health - with only my age to go on, citing studies, that I presume they would suggest, presume that they understand my body better than I do.

They have also suggested that "getting pregnant is easy."

To assume that every woman's body works the same way and on the same timeline for every woman is wrong.

There is a good reason that I reached out to licensed, experienced doctors for advice about my fertility at age 41, and not to a group of technologiests on Hacker News. Though people have found it fit to weigh in and rebuked me harshly for not accepting their viewpoints on my body's reproductive health.

That you chose to contribute about this question (my reproductive health and chances of having a healthy baby) which I did not ask, is your prerogative and I accept that.

I know it is too much to expect that someone would presume a well-educated woman would not have gotten the best advice about her fertility from knowledgeable doctors, but it is still disappointing.

Every woman's body is different. And it's my job, with the help of my doctors to understand how my body works. Not yours.

Roe V Wade was recently overturned. And many people in this community were very upset about this decision, particularly as it impacts women's autonomy over their own bodies.

Women's autonomy over their bodies starts by everyone, you and me, deciding that a woman knows her body best and it's her job to understand how it works, not yours.

If you consider yourself a feminist and a supporter of women's rights, I strongly encourage you to think twice in the future before you presume to understand a woman's body better than she does.

Thank you for listening.

Over and out:)

When I posted this, I was mostly interested in hearing what other people tried that had worked. I got some of that - and then a LOT of pop psychology and pop gynecology. I didn't want discouragement, because every single piece of discouragement and feedback I've heard in this channel, I've already heard a hundred times before - and my entire life.

Given that most of the guys I dated asked me out again, I guess being honest and direct isn't a bad thing. Plus, wanting to have children is something I post in my profile and not announce randomly to guys who I just met who don't want to have kids.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback.

p.s. Your post doesn't sound much like something a feminist would write.

I appreciate you thinking outside the box. Usually I think of being attracted to a married man as being attracted to someone unavailable. I would be wary about doing this as I wouldn't want to hurt another woman. However, I think that there can be a nice compromise where I make friends with more men, perhaps some of whom are married, if their wife knows about it. I do think that a lot of marriages are unhappy, which is why being selective isn't such a bad thing. It's better to be single than stuck in an unhappy relationship, in my point of view. Thanks again for thinking outside the box. And the way you phrased things made me smile.

Thanks so much Amanda. I was starting to feel really discouraged especially after reading most of the comments on this post. But yours gave me hope. And it's nice to hear from someone who seems to understand my POV a little better than most. It was helpful and insightful. Thank you.

Thank you again for sharing these questions about me about wearing two hats in the family and the parent/teacher balance.

I thought about what you said quite a bit and wrote a blog about why I feel that parents are the best teachers for their child.

We are teaching our kids many "non-academic" skills all the time but don't see that as stepping into a specific role. I don't think that this needs to be the case either in homeschooling.

I've also included some resources which I think will address your concerns about expertise in certain speciality areas like math/science.

I didn't directly address assessment here, but there are some great ones you can use such as mobymax, cogat and others - as well as mastery-based digital learning apps that have built in assessment.

Here is the blog: https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/parentsarethebestteache...

Hi Judah, I wrote a blog about parents being teachers, largely inspired by your comment. I hope that it's helpful to you.

https://www.modulo.app/all-resources/parentsarethebestteache...

Thanks for the feedback.

I’m allergic to cats, but I know they can make good companions to women and men.

The main alternative I’m considering is an intentional community, which I’ve found can be really fulfilling and more sustainable ecologically than living alone.

But I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your heartfelt advice.

Funny you should say that.

Both men and women offered good advice and words of encouragement, but somehow I can only focus on the negative.

This is the first time I’ve been called a narcissist, but I’ll certainly ask my therapist and friends if that’s something I need to work on.

“ I understand why you wanted the focus to be more generic.” Actually I wanted the focus to be more specific- on how individuals had solved this problem for themselves, rather than on giving me generic advice.