adantical

> I too am not the best at maintaining relationships. My brain has issues with object permanence.

Funny that you mention this, because this concept of "permanence" is something I've just recently been able to attach a word to. I definitely struggle with both object and a sort of emotional permanence, where I have trouble relating to anything that isn't within my current time and space domain. In a way, I feel there is a deep truth here, that indeed nothing exists outside of the present moment. Everything is impermanent. The trouble is integrating this with a normal human existence with interpersonal connections, where we need to maintain some level of social consistency to form any kind of lasting relationship.

Interesting perspective of separating the biological system "you" from a kind of meta-management "you" though. I tend to identify my "self" with the biological body/brain system, and that might be why any kind of meta-programming seems unnatural/untrue in some way. Thank you for the insight.

Thank you for this perspective. Reading your comment and revisiting my own perspective through an "outsider's" lens has given me something to think about. The facts are true, and the objective view feels very valid to me. I am realizing I have some work to do in reconciling the two.

> I think this typically happens during childhood/yound adulthood and progresses over time to a point where what you want is completely overshadowed by your conceptions of what the society/environment/culture thinks of what somebody your age/type should want.

I suspect this is true as well. At some point the signals became so deeply entangled that now it's difficult to know which are originating internally vs from the external environment.

> That spark of chaos that brings curiosity back in and depression out. > It's not what I do, it's the degree of freedom that I felt in doing it.

This rings true to me. In the depths of depression, I find that curiosity gets replaced with a self-fulfilling, self-defeating, yet overly self-confident prophecy -- that every new experience will just be a rebranding of something I've already experienced. I'm sorry to hear you've struggled in a similar way, but happy to hear you've found hope somewhere in the chaos. Thank you for the wisdom.

>I'm sure you've spent a lot of time thinking about how you feel, so I find it interesting that you're unable to identify what potentially could fix the sense of emptiness. Have there been any times in your life when you felt significantly less empty or even somewhat closer to a sense of meaning?

I do think too much self-awareness can be a problem, and maybe that's what you're getting at. The times when I don't feel as empty are usually when I'm distracted by something in the external world, and momentarily stop ruminating on my own thoughts. I do feel like they are "distractions", but now I am wondering why I consider them distractions (from what?), and if that's one of the fundamental axioms, as you say, that I should reconsider. Thank you for the insight.

I feel everyone is playing a character, in a way. There's more to unpack here, but perhaps I just haven't found the character that feels right/true.

May I ask what your "final project" is? I'm curious what you've identified as important or close to you in this way. I've felt like this before as well, like might as well dedicate my life to a project, but have never been able to keep up the motivation for big goals like this.

I will check out the books you mentioned. Judging from the books and your experience, it seems like maybe what changed for you was taking it all a little less seriously, which resonates with me. I do get the sense that some people approach life a bit more like a game, where sadness, joy, and fun are just naturally a part of the journey -- nothing more, nothing less. Thank you for your kind words.