partner_privacy

I read your other comment. It seems you went through a difficult situation. I'm genuinely sorry that happened to you.

I hard disagree on treatment for BPD. It's known to be treatable, but treatment options are different than other mental illnesses.

And please don't share that link. It is just doing more harm to people with BPD. I know because I witnessed first hand how hurt and hopeless my SO was on finding that subreddit. In the midst of trying to diagnose themself on the path to finding a working treatment, the found that subreddit (or a similar one) that told them they are monsters. I don't think its a helpful message to go out to the world.

I understand it if people go on there to find support after a bad situation like yours happened to them. I don't blame you or anyone. But I implore you to find some compassion, not for the person you were with, but for those who you've never met, who haven't done anything wrong, and who still have the chance to have a good life.

There is variety in people's conditions and personalities. I don't think it is fair to judge everyone just by their label.

2 more small things:

1. I couldn't care less if my SO found someone else local. In fact I hope they do, so the emotional burden can be spread out over more people.

2. The person you are asking to read "real life accounts" is married to someone with BPD, they are not just an academic. They know their stuff.

As someone else said, that is extreme. But I honestly believe you.

I appreciate the words of warning. I believe I'm being careful about my own situation, and I have a decent support network myself. But I know it's a risky situation to be in.

I'd like to hear more about your situation with your brother. Maybe there's something I can learn from it. If you prefer not to share publicly, you can send me an email at partner_privacy@proton.me

Your words are going to stick with me. Powerful. In particular, I feel like your last paragraph is very close to what my SO is going through. Thank you.

I have a hard time making the decision between listening mode and problem solving mode. Surely there are times when problem solving mode is helpful?

I understand the "only when they ask for help" idea, but this specific person does not have the instinct to ask for help, which makes it difficult.

Or when they do ask for help, it is for such general large abstract problems that I am also at a loss of how to give actionable advice.

> It's a pity we can't message on this platform

I was thinking the same in relation to your original comment.

I'll send an email your way, thank you for sharing it.

I appreciate your concern. I recognize it's not a great situation. However I'm not really sure it's helpful to put it in terms of flags. Maybe I'm missing your point.

I'm not really trying to build a relationship out of guilt. I'm already in this relationship (whether romantic or other doesn't really matter).

Also I don't understand this part:

> There are so many people out there with problems and there are ways you can help people without being their romantic partner if that's what you choose to do.

If you allow me to strawman you for a second, you are saying to cut contact with them and instead volunteer with a non-profit organization? I feel like I must have misunderstood you, so please correct me.

For what it's worth, they do support my needs as well. No complaints there. They are actually amazingly considerate and supportive given their situation.

I'm in a long-distance[1] situationship[2], and my significant other has bpd (we believe) as well as other difficult co-morbidities.

I'm also trying to be supportive and help, but I'm often at a loss over how to help. A lot of the time I listen and nod along with "yeah that sucks." But it feels like all I can actually do is try and find the optimistic side or solutions to problems, and most of the time I get shut down as they can only see the negatives. I can't blame them, but what else can I do?

I'm trying to be caring, but also stay partially detached in case the worst happens. The election results are not helping.

I may be oversharing, and I don't know if you have any advice to give. But I have not met anyone in a similar situation. I wouldn't even know where to find them, or if that would even help.

[1] Started off in the same place, but we both had to move back to our home countries.

[2] We are young and it doesn't seem right to plan our lives together so early. Especially since it would involve moving countries, potential career ramifications, a lot more caretaking, etc. We didn't start the relationship thinking we would be together as long, but at this point breaking up with them would feel like abandoning them to their situation.