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I just looked up portable bidet. Yes it's a thing. The first product came up has this in it's Amazon page.

Wiping is barbaric! Your bottom begs for salvation

LOL

> Wiping is barbaric! Your bottom begs for salvation

It's funny but I really do fee this way when I use regular toilet paper. You're just smearing poop all around! It's sick!

So true!

I bought one of those in Japan, unfortunately it doesn't fit my current toilet.

There are other similar ones for even less.