Comment by outime | Hacker News Reader

Comment by outime | Hacker News Reader

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That’s a great story and I’m like your wife in that aspect, but just intentionally. Either way you’re lucky to have someone like that around, it can teach you a lot.

I’ve experienced very deep, fulfilling connections with strangers (friend of a friend level) and still haven’t found anyone being embarrassed by these questions, but of course nobody else needs to be around as it can quickly be embarrassing. It can also be softened with an honest “if you don’t want to answer I can totally understand” and move on with something else but almost always received a somewhat interesting response. In return, deep/very personal questions are sent my way and I’ve answered them all with the best of my knowledge.

I can see how many people are afraid of having real talk (specially introverts, as I was) because it can show your weaknesses, suffering and your potentially “wrong” ideas/thoughts. Truth is, everybody has their fair share of bs going on and being over polite and wasting time in meaningless small talk doesn’t IMHO benefit anybody, and you miss very interesting mindsets and experiences that can make your life much better.

I honestly don't know what a "deep" question sounds like. Is there a list of topics that fall into that category somewhere?

There may be a generic list somewhere but I find them to come naturally from curiosity. Things like:

- Do you like what you do?

- Do you regret this or that?

- Did you study what you always wanted?

- How believing in X helped you?

- What’s the worst memory/event you went through?

- Do you love your parents?

- What’s the best/worst your kids gave to you (emotionally speaking)?

- Do you think you need this or is it a distraction from the important stuff (whatever that is for you)?

Those questions I just came up for nobody in particular (for a close friend those would be pretty normal) and depending of your background, customs, etc they might be deep or might not. They’re not inquisitive and I’m definitely not judging or trying to convince about anything. They do make you think a bit before answering and you learn a lot from those, even from the most superficial people. You need to be very open and accept very harsh and contrary visions from your own in order to benefit from it though, and that’s a long process.

  - Are you happy?

is a good one.

IME a deep conversation's subject actually depends wholly on the individual participants of the conversation. It generally is about a shared topic that is part of the self-identification of at least one party (with a non-identifying party being willing to listen to the identifying party in a manner that the identifying party understands to be respectful).

For example, between an athiest and a thiest, a deep theological question goes into the thiest's religion with the athiest being at minimum willing to listen in a manner the thiest sees as both participatory (not empty 'uh-huh' responses) and also respectful (no blanket denials or insults). Between two thiests, a deep theological question would go into the nature of their spiritualities, comparing and contrasting, or some specific nuance of a shared thiestic belief.

A non-religious deep question can also be positioned on, say, the influence of a specific popular activity. This leads to, for example, heavy and deep debate on the nuances of tennis between two tennis players, or a similarly intimate discussion in which people who suffer from addiction can feel benefit from discussions with other addicts.

"What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"

Any question more likely than not to possibly cause some stir or anxiety usually gets listed in my head as not appropriate for shallow conversations. Religion, politics, questions in depth about personal history, metaphysics, philosophy, etc.

Of course, having deep conversations is super rewarding and it can really help you learn a lot about other people and build relationships beyond just inane topics like tv or the weather.

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